Advice: An Unreal Relationship

Hara Estroff Marano gives advice on nurturing and developing relationships, body image, and how to handle mean bosses.

By Hara Estroff Marano, published on January 01, 2007 - last reviewed on July 22, 2009

It doesn't matter why your boss does what she does, and don't waste your energy trying to figure it out. She does not know how to put a stop to her own negative feelings and bad behavior, which puts you in the position of having to do it for her. What you must do is make sure that her behavior does not harm you; that is your responsibility. No one deserves to be ridiculed—ever. And no one deserves to be treated harshly in the presence of others. It is definitely humiliating to you, but it is also tremendously unpleasant for bystanders. The next time your boss publicly demeans you, turn quickly to the people around you and say clearly: "I'm sorry, could you please excuse us for a moment, I think Dr. X and I have some matters to discuss privately; the meeting will resume when we straighten things out." This is a kind way of letting her know that her behavior is unacceptable to everyone. You do not have to explain why you accepted it in the past or how it hurts you. You simply have to let her know that some discussions are private. Everyone experiences bad moods or negative events in life. We are each responsible for containing our own negative thoughts. Many people do not know how to do this; your boss is obviously one of them. Your job is not to understand what sets her off; your job is to make sure that you are treated with a minimum of respect. Everyone has that responsibility for themselves, and your boss may even respect you for doing what she is unable to do.

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I Hate My Legs

The shape of my legs and feet makes me feel unattractive. I never wear skirts that show more than my ankles, or shoes and sandals that show my toes. I also avoid going swimming with friends, even though I really like to. Is there a healthy way to deal with it other than hiding? I really want to be able to fully enjoy a nice walk on the beach without the self-consciousness.

Forget the shape of your legs. It's far less important than the shape of your mind. You are making the mistake of thinking that the whole world has nothing better to do than serve as an audience scrutinizing your legs and feet and passing judgment on them. Let me assure you that everyone else is too busy worrying about their own legs. The healthiest attitude comes from using your body and taking pride in its function. Getting out and exercising and experiencing your body in motion will give you the needed body confidence to dress as you wish and enjoy the activities you want. What makes people attractive to others has surprisingly little to do with the shape of their bodies and lots to do with their enjoyment of life. People want to be around people who are having fun. Stop hiding. Find flattering sandals and start doing all the things you enjoy.

Send your questions to askhara@psychologytoday.com.