Advice: An Unreal Relationship

Cramming In the Fun

I am a 34-year-old male, only child, from Eastern Europe. I came to the U.S. in 1991 at the onset of civil war in my country. I lost my mom when I was 14 to cancer. The first two years here were tough, but slowly I established friendships and moved forward with school and career. Despite a rich social life, I avoid commitment and seek friends with benefits. Women like me. I never lie or mislead them. I feel that life is too short and I must have as much fun as I can. The thought of being a husband and father makes me sad and uneasy. My uncles either did not marry, or they chose the singles lifestyle after divorce or loss of a spouse—as my father did. The only difference I noticed was, back home after 13 years, I felt slightly warmer and softer toward women from my country. To what extent is my lack of commitment caused by loss of a parent at a sensitive age or my sudden departure from my homeland?

Imagine if all men were so self-aware and unwilling to mislead others. Losing a mother at any age is difficult, but especially at 14—just when you need to figure out many things. Then you lost the ground beneath your feet. Avoiding commitment is an understandable response to the pain of loss. It protects you from more hurt. It also keeps you allied with your father and the men in your family. Unfortunately, it also keeps you from developing the kind of relationships that regularly supply the warmth and softness you link with home. The sense that life can be snatched from you can fuel a wish to cram in fun, but it all depends on what you consider fun. There usually comes a point when not having someone to share it with actually diminishes the fun. Maybe that time comes when most of your friends marry off and have children and you sense there are experiences that are even richer and deeper than fun. Or when the desire to be known overtakes the desire for yet another trip to Ibiza. Of course the idea of being in a relationship makes you uneasy; you have no way of knowing how to do it. But that doesn't mean you can't. If you choose a kind and patient woman, she can teach you what you need to know; the rest you'll learn like everyone else—on the job. You might also learn from friends, or you might be lucky enough to find a woman who has a father and brothers from whom you can learn. You can find anywhere the warmth and softness you noticed in your homeland—because it really exists inside you.

To access it takes courage and a willingness to endure some sadness—reflecting on the loss and abandonment you felt when young, the absence of warmth and softness when you needed it. But you need not worry; it is not a bottomless pit. When you decide to take the time to build trust in a relationship, you can slowly heal the hurts and calm the fears we all have. Doing so brings the only sense of security we find as adults—deep connection with another.

My Boss Humiliates Me

I work for the head of a prestigious institution, a dynamic and talented woman who at first intimidated me but with whom I now work comfortably. At times over the past 15 years, she has screamed at me, withdrawn privileges, or ridiculed me in front of others. I was rattled. I never understood why she did this. When I approached her, she would refuse to discuss it or accept my resignation, but would then bounce back to normal. Recently, the troubling behavior has reappeared, causing me great emotional turmoil and, sometimes, physical pain. I try to avoid her, which annoys her even more. I don't know whether her actions reflect personal problems, dislike, jealousy, or competitiveness, so I don't know how to handle it.