'Tis the holiday season, when friends and families gather to share their deepest affections. Or, as it were, their deepest gripes.
"One of my nieces finally told my sister what awful fashion sense she had," says Katherine Willis about her last holiday gathering. Far from being hurt, Willis' sister promptly castigated her husband for not getting their kids to school on time.
"This year," says Willis, an actress from Austin, Texas, "I'm going to put up a white board, with a bunch of markers, and just let people write whatever grievances they want throughout the evening."
Willis celebrates a holiday called Festivus, best known from the sitcom Seinfeld. Frank Costanza, patriarch of the dysfunctional Costanza family, invented it as an alternative to Christmas and its forced cheer. Costanza replaced the Christmas tree with an aluminum pole, challenged his son to a wrestling match, and started the evening by holding a formal airing of grievances.
"I got a lot of problems with you people. And now you're gonna hear about it!" he announced.
The airing of grievances is part of the attraction for thousands of people who celebrate this makeshift holiday, and while they usually keep their complaints light, some therapists say that ritual kvetching is actually a good idea.
Granted, there's a lot to be said for not spoiling Christmas dinner with a year of dirty laundry. But could it be healthy to air out just a little? At their heart, holidays are a time of common experience and reflection, and offer a chance to connect when people aren't scattered and busy.
Most Festivus celebrants write down their complaints and later read them aloud. "I had a friend who made a suggestion box," says Anne Bobrick, a New York City family therapist. "In a large family, you can write anonymously about how to make your family better." Stuff like: "I wish people would be more positive." "I wish I wasn't always compared to my older brother." "I'd like somebody to notice the good qualities in me."
Of course, some people prefer not to go public, and some complaints, like a long-standing problem with a sibling's selfishness, belong to private conversation. But whatever the medium, Bobrick advises consideration: imagine how you'd like things said to you, remember that a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down, and don't just try to prove the other person wrong. "You're trying to create a win-win situation, where both people emerge with a clearer understanding of each other," she says.
People also shouldn't expect to wrap their problems up right away, says Matt Modrcin, a family therapist and professor of social work at Portland State University. "A lot people are trying to accomplish something attached to an outcome. The process should be about being invested in staying connected."
Expecting an immediate resolution just leads to disappointment and hurt feelings, says Modrcin. He suggests people be content simply to communicate, and try to understand the situation from other perspectives. Two people may never fully agree with each other, but as long as they keep talking, they'll be better off.
"It's better to get it out in the open," says Bobrick. "What did William Blake write? 'I was angry with my friend: I told my wrath, my wrath did end. I was angry with my foe; I told it not, my wrath did grow.'"
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