Strange Bedfellows

Hara Estroff Marano gives advice on emotional transference, estranged mothers, ex-girlfriends, and marriage without sex.

By Hara Estroff Marano, published on November 01, 2006 - last reviewed on May 23, 2007

Just when you should be turning up the heat, you get cold. Too bad you make the assumption that everyone sees (or should see) the world as you do, and that because you don't speak to former flames, therefore your boyfriend should not. In fact, cutting yourself off from people in your past is not the healthiest approach; presumably you chose people of decent character. You need to find a way to overcome your jealousy, because it could very well feel so restrictive to your boyfriend that he eventually chooses freedom over coping with your insecurity. Or it could drive him to conduct his outside social life in secrecy, which would really stoke jealousy, mistrust, and resentment. His friendship does not seem unreasonable, so examine yourself to understand why it threatens you so much. Jealousy commonly stems from a weak sense of self. In the meantime, some demonstration of affection from your boyfriend after he sees his former flame would help, wouldn't it? Instead of making his ex-girlfriend the issue, ask him quite explicitly for what you need, but ask only once. Choose a quiet time and a nonconfrontational approach. Tell him kindly that you care for him very much and trust him, but that his seeing his former flame makes you feel uncomfortable and unloved. Tell him you don't want to interfere with his friendship but a little extra TLC at those times would make you feel special.

I'm Sure My Husband Is Gay

I have been married to a man for 25 years. He has feminine mannerisms, but has almost always worn a beard. We have had sex only 20 to 30 times in 25 years. Fortunately I had four children to keep me sane. I always believed his disinterest was because I was overweight. I finally had gastric bypass surgery and lost 100 pounds. While the rest of the world was complimenting me on my success, nothing changed at home. I am convinced that he either has homosexual issues or sexual identity issues. He refuses to admit that this is a problem; his response to disinterest toward me was, "I didn't think you wanted to." I'm trying to get my head around this.

Funny, most people find that kids drive them insane. And they know that beards have nothing to do with gender orientation, a matter that lies wholly within the brain. This is a marriage in which nothing is what it seemed. It sounds like you and your husband were well matched in protective camouflage—until you went and had surgery. Your weight loss exposed his true disinterest in conjugal sex. It is entirely possible that homosexuality accounts for his lack of interest. But clubbing him over the head with "a problem" is not the way to find out. Obviously your husband has been trying to avoid facing questions about his own sexuality all these years. Now that you can see beyond your own body, at least recognize his dilemma and muster some compassion. If for no other reason than safety you do have a right to know just how much more libido your husband has and how he is satisfying it. This will require the type of conversation you have not yet had—kind, constructive, nonaccusatory. It is a difficult discussion to have, because it threatens your marriage, but that's only one possible outcome. Put your fears aside and focus on how he sees the marriage, what he sees ahead, and what kind of relationship he would like to have now.

Send your questions to askhara@psychologytoday.com.