Strange Bedfellows

Hara Estroff Marano gives advice on emotional transference, estranged mothers, ex-girlfriends, and marriage without sex.

By Hara Estroff Marano, published on November 01, 2006 - last reviewed on May 23, 2007

My Son Sleeps With His Mom

Since his birth, my 12-year-old son sleeps in the same bed with his mother. When he was born, I was working a swing shift, so I moved into the guest room. When my son turned 5, we moved him to his own room, but he refused to sleep there. They both insisted that I have my own bedroom. Rather than fight, I walked away from the issue. When I wanted sex, I would wait until my son was asleep, sneak into the master bedroom and ask my wife, who would then meet me in my bedroom. I'm not proposing there's anything sexual between my wife and son, but I noticed she wears a thong under her sleepwear and her door is always locked. My wife and I now live separate lives in the same house. We haven't had sex in months, hardly talk, and I feel she stays only because I'm the meal ticket. Who is more screwed up, her or me?

While you and your wife are neck and neck in the screwball derby, your son is losing big time. You entirely abdicated your role both as partner and as parent without protest, and your wife sucked your son into the black hole created by your submissiveness. She has spent years molding the boy into her primary emotional partner, while your sense of self is missing in action. She has defined his world; he has no way of escaping—and no idea what normal is. There are sins of commission and sins of omission, and while her errors are flagrant and egregious, yours are no less destructive. Your wife capitulated to the boy's merest whimper while ignoring his developmental needs, subordinating them to her desire for constant companionship. You didn't stand up for yourself or your marriage, accepting whatever scraps your wife threw your way. Don't you believe you're worthy of sharing the marital bed? Your excuse of shift work doesn't compute: Lots of parents work shifts without undermining family dynamics. Action is years overdue. At the very least, you must take back your job as father; your son is a minor and needs to be protected from the emotional and possibly sexual predations of his mother. New boundaries of behavior have to be drawn for everyone. You will undoubtedly need help; the family pediatrician would be a good place to start. But you will also need the guidance of an expert family therapist to rebalance this extremely lopsided triangle.

My Mother Died Before We Made Up

My mother died and I missed my chance to apologize. We had a toxic relationship and were always saying hurtful things to each other. I closed my heart and didn't speak to her, then found out she died. How do I cope with this guilt? It is tearing me apart.

Death has a way of clarifying how we are all prisoners of our own perspective. But it should not keep you from completing the unfinished family business of making peace with your mother. You must find it in your heart to forgive your mother—and yourself. You can begin by making the effort to understand why her behavior made sense from her perspective—and why yours made sense from yours. Talk to other family members to gather information about your mother and how they viewed your relationship with her. Perhaps she said hurtful things because she cared about you deeply, was worried about you, and didn't know a better way to get to you. Perhaps the hurt she dished out was something she experienced in her family of origin and it was all she knew. Perhaps what made you close your heart was the need to move forward in your life without paralyzing barbs of pain and you didn't know of any less extreme way. Once you have achieved some understanding, it may be helpful to write her a letter telling her everything you now wish you could have told her before she died. You could place it on her grave. Or you could visit her grave and hold the imaginary loving conversation with her that you wish you had had earlier. Conduct a little ritual to achieve a sense of closure. Learning how to open your heart won't bring back your mother, but it will give you a legacy of wisdom to see you through the rest of your life. It will give redeeming value to the loss. Bittersweetness is often life's finest flavor.

My Boyfriend Still Sees His Ex

My boyfriend is kind and trustworthy. But occasionally he goes to a movie or has a drink with a former lover turned friend, a woman he quit seeing to be with me. He assures me they're just friends and he would never do anything to hurt me, but it's driving a wedge between us. I hate that he still sees her, especially since I never even speak to any of my former flames. I don't want to ask him to sever ties with a true friend, but I'm always a bit suspicious and cold toward him after I've known they've spent time together. What should I do?