You can't let go of a grudge, says Nando Pelusi, Ph.D., because there are deep-seated emotional payoffs.
By
Nando Pelusi, published on November 01, 2006 - last reviewed on October 17, 2007
Famed attorney Clarence Darrow noted, "There's no such thing as justice—in or out of court." Maybe Darrow was too cynical. You can balance the scales by itemizing the good fortune in your life. An understanding that we're lucky to be here in the first place can reset the tilt caused by chronic comparing. Comparing one's lot to another's represents an error that economists call interpersonal comparison of utility. It is the erroneous belief that everyone experiences something in the same way. You might think it's OK to spend $4 on a latte, while I'd rather buy a gallon of cheap wine. It's not fair that only a few can own a Lamborghini—a great car to drive until you're stuck in traffic burning up expensive gas and overheating as you catch a scooter whizzing by.
Inequities are bound to occur; it is how we react to the perceived injustice that is key. "Natural" emotions such as the anger engendered by cheaters evolved for all sorts of reasons, but they aren't perfect and they don't necessarily improve our lives. So resist the all-too-natural tendency to nurse a grudge.
How to give up the grudge and get going.
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Itemize injustices. List the issues that weigh on you. Divide the list into things you can change and things you cannot yet change. This will help you focus productively.
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It's not all or nothing. "Does this injustice have to affect all areas of my life every second?" The answer better be, "Definitely not." Nor is unfairness in all ways a disadvantage—unless you define it as such.
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Make a choice. "Can I still work to build a meaningful life in spite of this unfairness and disadvantage?" If you have trouble saying yes, realize you
are making a choice—by refusing to get over something you cannot change.
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Question your anger. If you find yourself grieving excessively about an injustice, stop yourself and ask, "Will the situation change by my being upset?"
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Mind your language. Instead of saying, "This is unfair," say, "This is annoying." It is what it is. This verbal shift will help you keep perspective.
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Work on self-direction. Tune into how you want to act in certain circumstances—in spite of unfairness.
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It's always relative. Ask yourself, "How much will this particular injustice matter in the grand scheme of life?"
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