My Friend Is Dating a Jerk

Question

: My friend is dating a jerk. What do I say?

Question

When Elizabeth heard that her younger sister, Abby, had met a wonderful guy, she was thrilled. "She'd just been through a tumultuous divorce," says Elizabeth. "And all she could talk about was how great this guy was." A few months later, however, Elizabeth met her sister's new love. "He emanated bad news," recalls Elizabeth. "He was loud and swaggery and sarcastic. And he proceeded to get desperately drunk at dinner. I thought, What is she doing?"

Elizabeth was in a quandary. Should she say something and threaten her relationship with her sister? Or should she just live with it? It's not an easy call. "We all want to be helpful and truthful," says Frances Cohen Praver, a psychologist based in Locust Valley, New York. But the truth is, we all bring hidden biases to the table and we need to examine them before we speak up, she says. "You may feel your advice is objective, but attitudes, feelings and beliefs are all subjective. Caution is the word."

If the partner is abusive, either physically or emotionally, expert opinion is unanimous: Say something, even if you know it won't be well received. In murkier cases, start by exploring why you're having such a strong reaction.

Try entertaining the notion that your dislike may have to do with your own baggage. "Sometimes they remind you of someone from the past who irritated you," says Kathryn Alice, a relationship counselor in Culver City, California. "Or they may remind you of things you don't like in yourself. If someone is loud or raucous, you might be a little envious you've never given yourself permission to be that way yourself." Make a list of what bugs you about the person, she suggests, and see if any of the traits hit home.

Once you've satisfied yourself that your discomfort doesn't stem from your own hang-ups, try a frank discussion with your friend. Tell her you're not comfortable, but you're not sure why, and ask her what she sees in this person. That way, says Praver, "you're accepting responsibility for feeling uncomfortable and you're enlisting your friend's help in resolving your problem." Be careful not to make it sound like an attack. "If you say, 'I don't think he's the one,' or, 'I don't see what you see in him,' all you're going to do is irritate her and make her defend him," she says.

If your friend sticks to her guns despite your qualms, your choices are limited. "You get to have one heart-to-heart and say the things that are bothering you but also that you respect their choice," says Wendy Allen, a couples and marriage therapist in private practice in Santa Barbara, California. "But then you have to leave it alone."

Praver agrees. "If they're set on loving that person, you're not going to change their mind." The best strategy: Tell your friend you miss your just-the-two-of-us dates and try to schedule time alone together. Elizabeth held her tongue even after the ill-fated dinner, when Abby's boyfriend blurted out that that he'd once been convicted of a domestic violence offense. But when her sister called, a month later, and told her she was planning on spending her inheritance sending him through college, Elizabeth decided her sister's welfare was at stake and that she needed to speak up.

Much to her relief, her sister dumped him. "I don't think she would have done it if she wasn't fed up too," says Elizabeth. "Sometimes people just need a little kick in the butt."

Answer: Take an honest look at your role in the situation.

If you're concerned for your friend's emotional or physical safety, say something. If you simply want more time alone with her, find a tactful way to ask for it. If it's that you don't like the person, figure out why. Have a heart-to-heart in which you ask your friend's help in understanding this other person, and ask yourself if your dislike has anything to do with your own baggage. If in the end your friend is happy but you really just don't like the guy, minimize the irritation factor by meeting the two of them in situations where you don't have to interact much—for a movie or a play, for instance, instead of a meal.