Hara Estroff Marano gives advice on the difficulties of childbearing late in life, the havoc stepchildren can wreak on a relationship, how to analyze what went wrong in a romance, and what obligations a stepchild has to a stepparent.
By
Hara Estroff Marano, published on September 01, 2006 - last reviewed on May 23, 2007
No question about it, it would be good to know what undid your recent romance. It may not have had a whole lot to do with you; not everything that goes wrong in a relationship is about you.
Instead of beating yourself up, take the gentle initiative to carefully prepare an e-mail to your ex. Work on getting the tone just right. Let her know you're not looking to get her back; you just want to know what turned her off, and you're open to the truth, as it will help you in the future. There's no guarantee she'll respond. But if she doesn't, you will have lost nothing, not even your self-respect. In the event that she does, you have to be willing to accept her assessment, no matter how painful, with a gracious thank you.
Must I See My Father's Widow?
My father died six years ago after a 24-year relationship with his second wife. My birthmother died when I was 28. My father and his second wife were manipulative, argumentative, spiteful and accusing of each other. They divorced and remarried three times. After his death, I carried on a charade of concern for his second wife for five years. But for the past year I have not returned her calls. She has three of her own children to assist her. My conscience tells me to be involved, try to care. But I don't. How can I resolve my dilemma?
As troubled as your father and stepmother's marriage was, and as badly as they behaved toward each other, the trouble seems to have been between them. It's not clear what you have against the second wife except that she wasn't your mother. No one is obligated to love a stepparent. Nor must everything we do in life be predicated on love. Respect and decency have their value too. If your conscience tells you to be involved, count it as a plus. It suggests you harbor some kindness. Honor it. At the very least, it will make you feel like a stand-up human being.
You may even choose to maintain contact with your stepmother simply to respect the memory of your father. You can sculpt whatever relationship you want; no law says you have to stick to any particular schedule in visiting your stepmother. Your interest in contact is driven by your compassion, not her need. You may discover you even have the opportunity to ask her some questions about the relationship or your father. Even if your father and stepmother served each other spite for breakfast, lunch and dinner, you don't have to repeat their mistakes. It's your life. Use it wisely; exercise your best instincts.
Send your questions to: askhara@psychologytoday.com.
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