Jealousy: A Voice of Possessiveness Past

Neanderthink jealousy functions largely below the level of conscious awareness. But you can tune in; it operates most often as a demand for constant reassurance that you will always be the first and only being in your partner's life and that you'd be diminished if your partner rejected you.

By accepting that perfect reassurance cannot really exist and that you do not absolutely need it, you can redirect your efforts to improving your relationship. The energy spent seeking an ironclad guarantee of fidelity could be better spent, say, being the fun-loving person with whom your partner would want to have an affair.

Resisting Jealousy

Jealousy implies a shaky sense of self. Demanding chronic reassurance from your mate is a bottomless pit. Instead, remind yourself that:

• You are a whole person with or without your mate, but because you prefer a good relationship, you will maintain open and honest communication.
• Your sense of self is best kept independent of your mate. You can function as an autonomous human being in a relationship.
• Harmful jealousy is a measure not of love but of insecurity. Appropriate jealousy prompts you to address any problems in the relationship.
• Rage, vengeance and self-hatred are clues that your jealousy has morphed into Neanderthink.
• Irrational jealousy may once have served rational ends, but no one has the power to make you feel bad about yourself—unless you grant it.