How Do I Deal with My Mother-in-Law?
I cannot stand my mother-in-law. She lives a lifestyle that I do not morally agree with (smoking, drinking, all while trying to control numerous health issues such as diabetes, high blood pressure and more). I view her as a weak person, and therefore it is extremely hard for me to be around her. In addition, she obviously favors my husband over his other siblings. She is nice to me, but I do not trust her and see her as a fake person. How can I deal with her inevitably being in my life without going crazy?
Your mother-in-law may not be perfect and I'm willing to bet that you aren't either (true confession: neither am I), but you are passing some harsh judgments. Would you like her to judge you as strictly as you regard her? Also, consider the possibility that the very rigidity of your views is as repugnant to others as your mother-in-law's lifestyle choices are to you. In fact, your views may be so harsh that they ultimately alienate your husband. Not only is it unpleasant to be exposed to your relentless negativity, but it isn't wise to put him in a position of having to choose between his mother and his wife.
Acquiring some humility and tolerance for what you consider other people's weakness could help you in many ways. After all, you are perfectly safe; lifestyles are not contagious, and there is no law requiring you to adopt your mother-in-law's. I am sure that the woman has some admirable qualities. Try identifying them. They are what you should be focusing on when you have to deal with her. At the very least, appreciate her for raising your wonderful husband.
Your rigidity keeps you from looking deeper into your mother-in-law and her life, through which you might acquire some understanding and even some sympathy for her many problems. In all probability, she knows that she has made some bad choices in her life, and perhaps she herself is not thrilled with the current outcome.
A Murder in the Family
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years, and we have a wonderful relationship. But in September of last year, his sister, his only sibling, was murdered. He went into a deep depression and suffers from insomnia. He has been from psychologist to psychologist and medication to more medication. I really care about him, but he seems to not care about anything anymore. He has even fallen into a financial hole and has filed for bankruptcy. He has just been in a rut and can't seem to get out, rarely even leaving the house. I tell him that I love him and that I'm here for him, but I don't know what else to do.
Depression is not an invariable consequence of grief, but it is a common one, and insomnia is its calling card. The murder of a sibling can be a powerful trauma. In addition to the personal loss, it shakes one's basic sense of safety in the world. Your boyfriend needs to actively rebuild a sense of trust, and your continued presence can help him. At the same time, he may be stuck ruminating over the horrible circumstances of the death or his feelings surrounding the murder.
Perhaps your beau recalls having said unloving things to his sister or feels guilty for being the survivor or not having protected her from death. Perhaps he is now shouldering unusual expectations from his parents. Medications alone cannot resolve these issues. Your boyfriend needs love, time and the help of a good therapist.
Still, there are more ways you can help, too. Physically mobilizing a person can often begin to psychologically mobilize them as well. Do not tell him to get up and out of the house. Simply usher him out and go for a walk together. Maintaining social bonds is also important to help counter his impulse to withdraw. You'll have to shoulder this burden for now, but that is part of the give and take of relationships. Sexual intimacy is another good antidepressant. Again, you're pretty much going to have to take the initiative.
Send your questions to: Editor-at-large Hara Estroff Marano, askhara@psychologytoday.com
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