A Future Worth Investing In?

Hara Estroff Marano gives advice on jealousy, cyber-romance, whining teen daughters, travel anxiety and family turmoil.

By Hara Estroff Marano, published on May 01, 2006 - last reviewed on May 22, 2007

Sleeping Sickness

Whenever I go on trips with my family, friends or boyfriend, I get sick. I am completely fine until my head hits the pillow at night. As soon as the lights go out, I feel very nauseated and I'm up vomiting the whole night. I have been taking Nyquil for a couple years now to make me tired enough so that I don't feel the sickness. My parents and my boyfriend say that this sudden nausea is all in my head, but I can't stop it! It can't be homesickness, because I am always with my loved ones.

Of course the nausea is in your head; that's where we keep all records of past experience. It would be nice if your parents could help you figure out why you feel sick when the lights go out. Maybe something happened that scared you a long time ago when you were away. It may not have been an especially momentous event, but the brain has a way of making those connections anyway. Absent the help of your family or friends, you can sit down and ask yourself what is the worst that could possibly happen while away from home when the lights go out. It's worth probing what you fear, because it's probably something that is most unlikely to happen in reality or that can easily be prevented from occurring. If you make no headway on your own, seek out a therapist skilled at short-term cognitive behavioral therapy. You may want to check out Psychology Today's Therapy Directory for qualified helpers.

Legacy of Abuse

I come from a nightmare of a family, with two alcoholic parents. My father committed suicide when I was 16. My mother physically and emotionally abused me, as did three older sisters, especially after my father's death. With the advice of my family doctor, I divorced myself from my family six years ago. I'm now 34. I have found out that my mother badmouths me, and my sisters and older brother (who is battered by his wife) openly blame me. I was hoping to have a relationship with my nieces and nephews in the future, but they have been banned from talking to me.

It's sad that your family has used you as a scapegoat. Perhaps when your nieces and nephews are older, they will realize that there are two sides to every story and will take an interest in yours and then make up their own minds. Self-vindication should not be your goal. Restoring healthy relationships to a family that sorely needs them should be. If you can't pull it off, don't blame yourself. You're working against formidable opposition and a reputation your siblings have gone out of their way to destroy. It's not something you can fix on your own. What you can do is take pride in the obvious strengths you have and seek out friends who support your resilience.

Send your questions to: askhara@psychologytoday.com.