Lone Stars: Being Single

The hard demographic fact that you will likely spend most of your life on your own is reshaping singlehood into a satisfying destination rather than an anxiety-ridden way station. Welcome to the richly diversified world of today's singles.

By Jillian Straus, published on May 01, 2006 - last reviewed on January 23, 2009

While it has disadvantages among the young, an increasingly casual attitude about sex enables older singles to disentangle their sexual needs from other needs, Coontz observes. "You don't have to talk yourself into falling in love to have sex." That frees people to more thoughtfully explore other passions and drives. "People accept a wide range of passions in life—from food to gardening to the need to feel competent—and they don't all reduce to sex."

That may explain why middle-aged singles are especially likely to enjoy their solo status. What's more, there are more of them—28.6 percent of adults age 45 to 59 in 2003, versus 18.8 percent in 1980—and they are often financially and emotionally independent. "A really interesting renaissance happens for people in their 50s," Trimberger explains. "There is more social support for settling into a single life." There are internal changes as well, DePaulo points out. "There is a perspective that comes with age. You may know the reality of coupling. You probably know other people who are living their lives rather than waiting for someone to transform theirs."

So the next time your mother points to a table of five beautiful women dining out without dates and wonders why they're single, smile and tell her the truth: "Mom, they are having the time of their lives." And you can add that the tables have been turned. It's marriage, not singlehood, that's now the transitional state.

How to Live Your Life to the Fullest—Now

Don't postpone home buying or other major endeavors. See your life as something to totally engage in rather than as marking time.
Travel now. It's liberating to immerse yourself in the experiences you want to have.
Pay attention to basic needs for meaningfulness and competence. Companionship is important, but it's not the only requisite of complete and satisfied adults.
Pursue your passions, whatever they may be.

Stay Connected

Maintain contact with married friends. The soulmate ethic is no truer for them than for you—no one partner can satisfy all needs for companionship.
Establish ongoing contact with the next generation through meaningful activities.
Cultivate a broad array of friendships. Companionship comes in many forms. You don't have to pour all your energy into one person.
Use the Internet to find partners for activities you enjoy.
Remember that you're not the only single person enjoying life—there are many others who may think they're the only ones comfortable with their solo status.