Lone Stars: Being Single

The hard demographic fact that you will likely spend most of your life on your own is reshaping singlehood into a satisfying destination rather than an anxiety-ridden way station. Welcome to the richly diversified world of today's singles.

By Jillian Straus, published on May 01, 2006 - last reviewed on January 23, 2009

Work and Worth

Satisfying work is another component of a psychologically fulfilling life, and it's especially important for singles, Trimberger finds. "If you love what you're doing, it gives you a sense of self-worth and autonomy. It makes you feel good about yourself that you are engaged in something important." Work has countless other benefits. A sense of identity is chief among them, particularly for singles. "In our society, we value work, self creation and autonomy," says the Sonoma sociologist. "Satisfying work provides a sense that you have achieved something worthwhile."

Work also tends to supply important social networks, people of similar educational background and, often enough, values and interests. A single woman in her late thirties found herself much happier when she went back to work after time off: "I had a sense of purpose and a place to be. It gave me a reason to get out of bed in the morning and people to do things with in the evening."

Although work may be just as rewarding for women as for men, women still can't always reap all the benefits, DePaulo says. Single men who are highly dedicated to their careers and spend lots of time at work are generally viewed very positively in the culture. But single women are sometimes seen as "compensating" for not having a spouse. "Women can be blamed for being too hard-driving to be good in relationships," she notes.

Men and women alike suggest that the main reason they are fulfilled as singles today is that they have lots of company. "Most of my friends are single. I have plenty of people to go out with, travel with and spend time with," says 29-year-old Tom. Sasha Cagan, author of Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics, agrees. "There is an elevated importance of friendship for my generation. It has a vastly larger place in our lives because there isn't a wholesale rush to get married. You maintain a level of intimacy with many significant others. It makes singledom a lot more viable and satisfying."

The soulmate culture insists that one person can satisfy all your emotional needs, says DePaulo. "But that's like putting all of your money in one stock and hoping it's not Enron." Marriage today forces many people to put their friendships on the back burner. Singles, on the other hand, are free to develop deeper relationships with their friends without fear that they are betraying closeness. The flip side is that singles have to be more proactive about building their social lives; it takes an effort.

"Single people are more likely to have a good relationship investment strategy. They tend to have a diversified portfolio of relationships—friends, siblings, colleagues—and to value a number of them," says DePaulo. "They have not invested their entire emotional capital in one person." Having a broad social network is physiologically as well as emotionally protective, although society perceives singles as psychologically vulnerable precisely because they lack the built-in support system of a spouse.

Building a Better Self

A broad array of friendships also appears to be a developmental plus. "Having a number of relationships allows you to develop different parts of yourself and a more complex, autonomous self," Trimberger finds. Among women, Coontz points out, this development is more a return to 19th-century patterns, before "heterosexual pressures made close same-sex friendships seem suspect and even deviant." Beyond friendships, a broad social network contributes a sense of community. Many singles without children feel the need to create connections to the next generation. "You feel valued as a single person when a younger person respects the life you have created, " says Trimberger.

Where are singles more likely to build their social networks? In 2006, the happy news is that it can happen almost anywhere. Some observers find that cities are easiest for unmarrieds to live in and form "urban tribes." Trimberger contends the suburbs are actually an ideal place to settle into life—single or married.

Comprehensive sex studies show that married couples have more and better sex than singles, but the unattached may actually have more exciting sex lives. Psychologist McGrath finds that single men and women are often more sexually adventurous. "They get more variety and learning from others. Because they are not emotionally invested, they can cut their losses faster and leave when sex is not desirable." In interviews with single men and women, I found that singles almost unanimously viewed their sex lives as more exciting than those of their married friends. "I don't think my married friends even have sex anymore," sighed Nick, a 30-year-old legal recruiter. DePaulo concurs. "It's erroneous to assume that just because someone has a permanent partner, his or her sexual needs are automatically being met. If you are single, you have to go out and find someone. But if you are in a serious relationship, you can still have issues with sex."

More and more, that someone singles find is likely to be a friend. "They're not even looking for another person to be their everything," says DePaulo. Coontz agrees, citing broad new socialization patterns emerging in the culture, particularly a greater degree of nonromantic friendship across genders in which people are physically affectionate, though not necessarily sexual. It's most visible among the young. "There has been lots of negative talk about casual sex for teenagers, who are emotionally immature," says Coontz. "But some casual sex is actually between friends—'friends with benefits,' in the parlance of the young—and that's probably healthy, especially among older individuals. Male-female relations don't have to be based on the excitement of insecurity."