Still, we've come a long way since the 19th century, when unmarried women were labeled spinsters or old maids and relegated to an inferior status. In the 1970s, a single Mary Tyler Moore bounced into America's heart with her professional ambition, dream of independence—and an endearing faux-family of coworkers and neighbors. Today television singles like Carrie Bradshaw lead such full, active lives that, like their real-life counterparts, they are sometimes ambivalent about marriage. As a 26-year-old account executive puts it, "I don't need a man in my life. I don't need or want a relationship because I am lacking anything. I want it only to add or enrich."
The notion that singles are uniformly lonely and miserable is a myth, one that is dying hard—nowhere harder than in the psyche of singles themselves. There are countless singles living lives of "secret contentment," DePaulo insists. "They like their lives—they have friends, they travel and yet what they see and hear all around them is that you don't have a happy life unless you are matched up. I think it is hard for single people to fully recognize or say to other people 'I am happy. I like my life.' It is not even a part of our cultural imagination that you could embrace being single and want to be single."
The reality today is that being single is manageable and brings freedom, says Ellen McGrath, a clinical psychologist who is president of Bridge Coaching Institute in New York. "It could be the better choice." By staying single, you may be more likely to develop into your best self, says DePaulo, author of Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored and Still Live Happily Ever After (St. Martin's 2007). "I feel very emotionally empowered by pursuing what is meaningful to me, even if it is risky. When you are single, you have more opportunities to do what seems right to you without looking to another person for approval."
Many singles may be so satisfied on their own that they claim they have no desire to look for a mate. In a survey by the Pew Research Center, 55 percent of 3,000 singles reported that they were not in a committed relationship and had no active interest in seeking a romantic partner. It is hard to know if these singles will someday want a special someone in their lives, or if they are hesitant to admit they want a partner or if indeed they are satisfied with being forever unpartnered; but being single today is no longer necessarily a default position, as most were socialized to believe.
In her extensive counseling of single men and women, McGrath finds that a necessary first step for them to embrace their status is to reconfigure their own mindset. "Tradition tells us you have to be part of a pair. There was a time when that might have been necessary for survival, but it is no longer the case. Singles must actively update their mental files to see that being unmarried is just as valuable a choice as being in a couple."
Today, women especially have all they need to lead an independent life. There's no shame in having sex out of marriage. They can have sex without kids and kids without sex. They can be financially self-sufficient and purchase homes. Not very long ago, the "American dream" was all wound up in the marital ball. Banks, for example, happily accepted deposits from women but drew the line at lending them money for mortgages.
Yet sociologist E. Kay Trimberger has found that having a real home is critical for the single psyche. "Owning your own home is a strong cultural value," says Trimberger, professor emeritus at Sonoma (California) State University, who followed 27 single women over a 10-year period. Home ownership makes singles feel independent and secure, she reports in her 2005 book The New Single Woman.
As one real estate agent puts it, "Single women are delaying marriage but not real estate." After married couples, they now make up the largest segment of home buyers—21 percent in 2005, up from 18 percent the year before. By contrast, single men make up 9 percent of home buyers, according to a survey by the National Association of Realtors. Forgoing marriage doesn't mean abandoning nesting: The concept of home profoundly matters to women, less as a place to do laundry, more as a sacred space for personal happiness. Just as important, it is a safe way to plan for the future.
So many women are buying homes without waiting for Mr. Right that the building industry is adding design features specifically to appeal to them (secure courtyards, more street lights, extra closet space), offering maintenance services to make upkeep easy and—reversing decades of financial discrimination—teaming with mortgage lenders to help women qualify for loans. Signing a check for hundreds of thousands of dollars can be emotionally daunting. But there's an immediate return on investment: an immeasurable boost in sense of self-worth.
Builders find it takes a lot less to satisfy single men: A flat-screen TV will often do it. "Men still see marriage as a way they settle down," observes Coontz. Women settle down on their own. In fact, they are often willing to go all the way and independently invest in parenthood if no suitable marriage partner appears.
The psychological benefits of having a home are not limited to purchasers, says Trimberger, "Whether you rent or own, decorating and making a home helps you feel psychologically rooted." It's making a place that is not temporary. What's more, creating a home helps singles build relationships. Reina, a 37-year-old single woman, explains, "Once I invested time and money in my home, I saw my family and friends more often because I was excited to host dinner parties."
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