He's Always "Just" Kidding

Hara Estroff Marano gives advice on hurtful teasing, same-sex relationships, online relationships, and sexual insecurity.

By Hara Estroff Marano, published on March 01, 2006 - last reviewed on May 22, 2007

Genuine attraction is too idiosyncratic to predict, no matter how wonderful someone appears electronically. In addition, attraction often takes time to develop in person; don't expect lightning to strike the instant you meet. Don't even think of making a life-altering decision (to move or not) based on one meeting. The most you can hope for is a sense of possibility. Walk away from anyone who makes or demands a commitment at that stage.

It's always necessary to put effort into a relationship; you can't know in advance whether or not it will work out—that's what dating is for. It gives you a chance to learn more about yourself and what you want, about your potential partner and about what it takes to make a relationship work.

He Fantasizes About My Friends

My boyfriend of two years recently confessed that he fantasizes about other women during sex. He claims that it's more about feeling wanted than about wanting them, and that he's done it in every past relationship. Early in our relationship he shared his porn Web site subscription with me, and I was supportive. But now he's indulging in fantasies rather than truly being with me. Also, he's not fantasizing about imagined women, but real women including his exes and my girlfriends. This is hurtful. I now feel uncomfortable around my friends. I don't know how to cope with the knowledge that he thinks about them instead of me while we're intimate. I have difficulty trusting him now. Not only am I much less excited about sex but I've also become much more insecure.

Feeling wanted is more about what's going on at the pillow than who does what to whom under the covers. It has to do with trust that you will be accepting of each other's thoughts, dreams, desires and deepest fantasies, not about getting sexual overtures from a partner, no matter how thin. Remember, there is no right and wrong with fantasies. If your beau is fantasizing about other women, then clearly the two of you are not as deeply psychologically engaged with each other as you think. The issue is not so much whom he's fantasizing about—don't let your insecurities hijack you—but what he does with them. Forget, for now, that they're all real people he knows—that's who populates our imaginations.

You and lover boy need to start a warm, loving and nonjudgmental conversation in which you begin opening up your minds to each other. The two of you should be putting your likes and dislikes and hopes on the table to negotiate the kind of relationship that meets the needs of both of you. Encourage him to share his fantasies and treat the information with respect. This is, of course, a lifetime process, and it's the way all satisfying relationships are built. They don't just happen; you have to create them.

Send your questions to: askhara@psychologytoday.com.