A Friend in Need

Intense distress after a sudden crisis is normal, and does not prohibit people from ultimately getting some benefit from the experience. Recovering and growing doesn't mean suppressing these responses but instead gradually incorporating them into a new perspective on life.

Not everyone is going to find a good side to a crisis, but you can help foster this process in a friend or family member:

• Know that full-blown post-traumatic stress disorder is relatively rare. Even among those who were in the World Trade Center on Sept. 11, or were injured in the attacks, only about one-quarter later suffered from the syndrome.
• Don't force people to talk if they don't want to. It's natural to process a traumatic experience in short stints; in between, they may seek out friends and family in order to escape thinking about it.
• Support people in their efforts to cope with strong feelings, and don't be surprised if they say some strange things. "You have to meet people in territory in which they are exploring a new way of understanding life," explains Rich Tedeschi.
• Don't urge your friend to move on—instead, help her tolerate her emotions. Distress can be a catalyst for change, and processing pain may be essential to deriving meaning from a life-shattering experience. Don't shut it down. "Help them manage it so they can think straight without going numb," suggests Tedeschi.
• Give your friend or relative a lot of time to recover, and help him or her maintain hope that things will eventually get better.