A Decision to Conceive

Hara Estroff Marano gives advice on meddling grandparents and dating after almost a decade.

By Hara Estroff Marano, published on March 08, 2006 - last reviewed on March 10, 2006

A Decision to Conceive

I gave birth to our fourth child at the end of January 2005. Unfortunately he was stillborn, due to a knot in his umbilical cord. My husband and I are pretty nervous about conceiving again, although we both want another child. My mother has informed me that trying to conceive again is terribly selfish, and she wonders why I would "put everyone through that again." I just wanted to have one last child to give my three girls the little brother that they wished they had and the son that I knew my husband was so excited about. I didn't think that there was anything selfish about that. My brain's getting sore thinking about this. I would appreciate an unbiased point of view.

The short answer is, no, you are not being selfish at all. It's your mother who is being aggressively selfish, by insisting that her perspective prevail in what should be a decision strictly between you and your husband. I regret that your mother has not only forcefully intruded on your turf but added to the pain you no doubt feel. What "everyone" went through is their own private business (adults are in charge of their own feelings), and she is blind to the fact that it could not possibly matter more than what you and your husband went through. That you wish to consider another pregnancy is testimony to your resiliency. Your mother, on the other hand, is insisting that you give more value to her own disappointment than to your own feelings.

It is not unreasonable for your mother to have an opinion and to voice it. But once would be more than enough, especially if her opinion was completely unsolicited. It is no longer your mother's role to control you, although she is stuck thinking she ought to be able to. It's time for your mother to let go and recognize you are capable of making your own decision, even if it differs from the one she would make. It is the nature of life that children grow up, live in a different world and experience different needs and circumstances than their parents did, whether parents choose to understand those circumstances or not.

A parent's role is to support her adult children in whatever decision they make with their own spouses (assuming it is legal and ethical). It would be wise to sit down with your mother (your husband hopefully supports you in this) and tell her how much you appreciate her love and the care she gives your family, but that the decision about how many children you should have is not hers to make. Let her know that you have heard her opinion, so there is no need to discuss it any further with you or anyone else. Given her past transgressions, you may need to set the boundary even more firmly; it is not unreasonable to tell her that if she brings up the subject again you will have to ask her to leave.

Of course, unless you know something that I don't there's no guarantee that conception will bring you the boy you seem to have your heart set on.

I'm 30 Going on 15

I honestly need some advice on getting to meet women. I'm just coming off a six-year relationship and feel like I'm 15 again. It's like I'm scared to talk and I don't know what to say when I do. Please help.

Yes, having to date will do that to a person—at any age. Think of it as nature's incentive to invest time and effort in choosing a partner well, and in maintaining the relationship, so that you never have to return to the mate market again. It feels scary and awkward now? Imagine it at, say, 40 or 50.

No matter how wise life experience may make us, dating always exaggerates the differences between men and women and tosses us back into absurdly primitive mindsets. At best it's like high school all over again. You could be in the middle of preparing a brief for the Supreme Court and find yourself thinking of that attractive stranger whose eyes you met momentarily on the street: Does she work around here? How can I find myself in her path again? What would I say to her? Would she like me? How do I come across?

The best way to meet women? Be interesting and be yourself. Do more of the things you're passionate about; that not only makes you attractive and feels rewarding, it puts you in a position to encounter women with similar interests, making initial conversation that much easier. Let all of your friends know you are available—their girlfriends have girlfriends—and force yourself to accept ALL invitations to parties, weddings, celebrations of any kind. Join groups that engage in activities you like—hiking clubs, biking clubs, ski clubs. Lock up your television set and get out of the house and go where young people are. And don't overlook Internet dating sites; they vastly increase the pool of possible women. You can engage in flirtation and information exchange at a rate that is comfortable for you. Sure, there's still always the awkwardness of a first date, but without it, there'll never be a second.