Second-Class Love
My boyfriend and I first met when we lived in different parts of the world. He often visited me, but the first time I traveled to see him I noticed a prominently placed photograph of him with his ex-girlfriend. We now live together, but he has not put any pictures of us on display. He has organized and stored hundreds of pictures of her on his computer, while those of us are kept haphazardly. When confronted, he said he keeps the pictures of his ex because he likes the panorama of their vacation, and that started a big argument. One time he bought me a pair of pants and when I wore them for a night out together he said, "I like those pants on you, they make you look skinnier." My self-confidence was shattered to the point that I underwent three plastic surgery procedures, although before my first child I spent a great deal of time at the gym. My boyfriend and I now have a baby together and we are buying a beautiful house, but I feel he is still in love with this ex. He never holds my hand and usually walks some distance away from me. He says that I'm the only person he loves but I'm starting to think that love like this can kill.
You have chosen a man who feels free to treat you as a second-class citizen because you have set the standard by the way you regard yourself. You're discovering how painful it is. Before you can fix the relationship with him, you have to repair the relationship with yourself. If working out is critical to how you feel and how you want to look, then make time to do it. Ask your boyfriend to stay with the kids for an hour or so a few times a week while you go to the gym, or get an exercise bike or rowing machine for a corner of your new home, so you can use it at your convenience. Taking action on the goals you set for yourself will do wonders for your self-respect, earn you the respect of others and keep you from being destroyed by the remarks of people who have conflicted agendas—such as your boyfriend, who is having difficulty overcoming hurt from his past. Once you are actively on the path to being the person you want, sit down with your boyfriend and together outline a relationship that works for you both. It's worth it now for you, for him and especially the children. Forget confrontation; it rarely gets you what you want. Be positive; tell him you both have to put your needs and wishes and goals on the table, and figure out together how to meet them in the most equitable way possible. Yours count as much as his. The process will help build the closeness you both need so badly. Don't criticize him for not holding your hand on the street; do ask him which displays of affection he prefers for communicating to you how he feels. Don't try to take away his past, but do tell him it hurts you to see only pictures of his ex and none of his present life. Once you can share your feelings without fear of harsh criticism, you are building the emotional intimacy that is the most rewarding part of any relationship.
What do you do when you find out your boyfriend has lied to you? When we first started dating I asked him if he had any female friends and he said "a few, but none that I talk to consistently." Then I saw his phone bill and discovered that he had been calling one of his "friends" several times a day. When I confronted him, he said that the lying was no big deal and it was none of my business who he talked to on the phone. He said I was so insecure, he couldn't tell me the truth without me getting mad. I tried over and over to explain to him why it IS a big deal and why I don't believe ANYTHING he says anymore. He thinks that an apology makes everything better and says that I just need to "get over it and move on so our relationship can grow." I decided to end the relationship and have been trying to remain friends with him, but it is very difficult. I would LOVE to be with him, because besides the fact that he lied to me, he is everything I ever wanted in a man. Should it be this hard for me to forget about it and move on? How can I trust him again without being paranoid that he is lying to me?
You've given yourself an almost impossible assignment. To end an intimate relationship while trying to remain friends. There's no way you can forget about him or seek a better relationship with someone else when you keep your ex a prominent part of your life. You can't have it both ways. The foundation of friendship or any relationship is trust. It's hard to imagine how a partner who lies and then shifts the blame for his bad behavior onto you can be "everything you always wanted in a man." For starters, you need to rethink the menu of what you want in a partner. Honesty and decency should be primary considerations. You also need to ditch your strategy of confrontation; it is almost bound to push anyone into such an ugly corner that lying becomes an acceptable way out. It's not great for either eliciting the truth or getting what you want—any more than apologies are automatic cures for anything that goes awry. They work only when transgressors truly understand the pain they have caused and go out of their way to make amends. Lick your wounds from this relationship and get out in the world where you'll find lots of other men. One of them is bound the think lying is as bad as you do so that you don't have to wall yourself off in a fortress of paranoia.
Tags:
agendas,
committment,
convenience,
ex girlfriend,
ex-girlfriend,
exercise bike,
jealousy,
liar,
panorama,
photograph,
plastic surgery procedures,
rowing machine,
second class citizen,
self respect,
self-esteem
