Choosing Mr. Right

How Do I Choose?

I have been dating someone for a year who never wanted to meet my family. He would always say, "we can have a relationship but you stay on your side of the fence and I will stay on mine." About a month ago I went on a business trip with an old friend who was long interested in me. We became intimate but he has been living with someone else for the past 12 years and has not made up his mind to leave her. Since then, my boyfriend has become very caring, promised to meet my folks and even talked marriage. I love him, feel guilty for cheating and feel that we have very different views of life. The other man and I have very similar views of life and business, but he seems locked in a relationship. Is it better to be in a relationship with a man you can't relate to well but you know loves you and now is very committed, or with a person you get along with very well, but still has not made up his mind to commit to you?

Neither situation sounds fabulous. You're putting too much emphasis on how a man feels about you—admittedly a sine qua non of a relationship. You are not valuing your own self enough to make yourself a full partner to a relationship. That failure to validate yourself is going to undermine any choice you ever make. If you respected yourself more, you would be able to exercise your own judgment—and see that you've limited your possibilities to two men with serious flaws for a relationship. It's almost impossible to build a joint future—the purpose of marriage—with someone who has different views of life than you do, unless you talk those views out thoroughly and can make them mesh in very specific ways. As for Number Two, why would you ask any man to commit to you after one business trip? That's a bit much for any guy, and especially one as certifiably commitment-phobic as the one you've set your sights on. After all, he has been unable to make a commitment for at least 12 years. There are lots of other guys out there and if you respected yourself enough you would settle for no less than someone who can provide a compatible worldview and commitment in one wholesome package.

Five Affairs in 14 Years

I am very much in love with my husband of 14 years. Unfortunately, he has cheated at least 5 times in our marriage and that has caused our relationship to strain. I know he loves me and I love him very much but he can't seem to be faithful. He has promised me this last time he cheated that he is not going to do it again and that he is tired of that, is it possible he may be saying the truth? Can men really be faithful?

Yes, they can, and most of them are. But believing that they can't may be encouraging you to let your husband off the hook way too easily, with simple promises rather than actions. Promises never work. They allow him to sweep his misdeeds under the rug while you are left to deal alone with the damage. For one, it doesn't sound as if you have made it clear to him how much his cheating hurts you. And you are not giving him the opportunity to make amends for the pain he has caused and to rebuild your trust in him. Has he, for example, demonstrated that he has severed all contact with his affair partner(s)? Does he understand the pain he has caused and does he care enough about you to answer the many questions you have about his secrets and lies? Further, the two of you need to redesign your marriage so that it works for both of you; this is something every couple needs to do periodically, as needs evolve over time. You do it by sitting down together and talking honestly, openly and respectfully about your needs and designing a relationship that accommodates both your needs and his. What is it that you would like from each other? Good marriages don't just happen. You have to construct them from the ground up.