The Things My Wife and Her Lover Did
My wife cheated on me for nearly a year before I caught them. We got past it and have, over many years now, strengthened our marriage. However, in her honesty with answers to my questions, while we were working things out my wife divulged that she had done certain sexual things with him while they were lovers. Two of those things she had steadfastly refused to do with me. This is one area of the affair for which she could not provide any logical explanation. When I asked why she'd do those things with him after having refused to do them with me, her response was, "I really don't know. I guess I got caught up in the moment. It just seemed like the thing to do at the moment, so I tried it." Why would a wife do sexual things with a lover when she had previously refused to try them with her husband? I have learned since then, via other persons, that this is not all that unusual of a phenomenon.
Affairs are not about logic. And "getting past it" must mean different things to you and me, because if you were truly "past it" the sexual infidelity wouldn't be rankling you these many years later. Getting past infidelity doesn't just happen with time; you and your wife have to fully process the experience and the pain it caused, decide together on ways to rebuild trust, and then renegotiate your own relationship so that it meets both your needs and defuses the threat of future infidelity. In short, you need to discuss ways to bring into your marriage the emotional and sexual excitement your wife felt she had to go outside it to get. A wife does sexual (and nonsexual) things with a lover because a) the lover sees her in a way that is supportive, which frees her and encourages experimentation, and b) the lover establishes a bond of emotional intimacy that provides a safety net for all kinds of new experiences. That your wife can't articulate the reasons sounds like there is still something in the nature of your relationship that keeps her from speaking freely to her own husband. Whatever that is, more than likely it's what drove her into a long-term affair in the first place. Whatever else it is, this isn't being "past it." This is being stuck in something that happened years ago. You wife may not be eager to reopen the discussion of her transgression, but the two of you need to process ALL the old hurt quite openly and she needs to grasp the pain it has caused these many years. But it is not fair to shift onto her the entire burden of describing what is/was wrong with your marital relationship. It's a relationship, and you're in it as much as she is, and you are responsible for diagnosing and fixing its problems as much as she is. You need to show her openness to information (however uncomfortable) about your relationship, some awareness that you might not be the most emotionally supportive or in-touch mate and a willingness to fix in yourself the barriers you put up to emotional (and sexual) intimacy. Fix the problems in emotional intimacy and you will solve the problems of sexual creativity.