The Serial Adulterer

The Serial Adulterer

I am married to a Serial Adulterer who always promises to never do it again, but always lies. I have to depend on him right now because I have become disabled by depression, chronic pain, rheumatoid arthritis and something similar to lupus, necessitating that I retire after working for over 30 years. I have all adult-age children who continue to need money from Dad for school, bills, etc. I am getting a lot of aquatic exercise, mentally charged with good things to not further depress myself. I want to divorce this man because of a lifetime of infidelity and apologies. I am tired of the I love you so much, it was a mistake. He prays all the time, but it doesn't seem to affect his decision-making. He begs me not to divorce him but the next day says he will not let me control him by telling somebody his problems, someone who probably hasn't been faithful themselves. I am starting therapy soon.

Hooray for taking the step towards therapy and for not letting your husband's lies about therapy—based on his fear of it—dissuade you. The only person who controls your husband is himself. Unfortunately, you have let him control you for a long time. The depression and other disorders you suffer from may very well be linked to the powerlessness you experience in your marriage. You have managed to get thru three decades of home life without setting firm behavioral boundaries for anyone, but now that despair is physically and emotionally crippling you, it's no longer possible to avoid the destructiveness of such a course. You have more resources than you think, and it's more than time to set some limits. First of all, be aware that in the event of separation or divorce, your husband has continuing obligations to support you, but not to support adult children, although he is certainly free to do so if he wishes. Start with your husband—your kids just might also get the message that you mean business and realize it's time for them to whip themselves into shape, too. You need to tell your husband the truth—kindly and without rancor, but firmly. You need to let him know that you have listened to his pleas and his prayers for decades but they no longer have any meaning because his behavior hasn't changed in all this time. Tell him that since he doesn't honor your marriage, he must leave—by X time. Set a specific date—say by the weekend. When you have finished what you have to say, do not make yourself available to continue the conversation. Go into a different part of the house and busy yourself or, if you can, leave the house to do some errands. Or make plans beforehand to visit a friend. You must demonstrate that you have made a decision and will no longer accept philandering, excuses, promises or pleas. I also recommend that you first consult a divorce lawyer. You may wish to interview several before choosing one to advise you. You want a lawyer who will be an advocate for you but who will not bring in heavy artillery unless it is required. Having consulted a lawyer will add resolve to the long-overdue discussion you must have with your husband. With any luck, Hubby might be stunned into realizing he has to change if he wants to stay married. If that's the case, you would be wise to still insist on a separation—until he can repair the damage of his infidelities and prove his trustworthiness to you. Continued marriage must be conditional on demonstration of his commitment to it. It's that simple.

What the Neighbors Think

My husband and I have been married for five years and have led what the neighborhood thought was an exemplary marital life. We both work; the kids, ages 2 and 4, go to daycare three days a week and are with my husband the other two days while I'm at work. Getting back into the work force after three years at home took some doing, but I did it. My career is beginning to kick off now and I'm even losing a little weight. My confidence is high and I feel ready to take on the world. The only problem is, I'm falling OUT of love with my husband and seeking the attention of other men. I've even been talking to and am interested in another man, but am not willing to risk my marriage over my feelings for him. My husband and I have had our share of ups and downs, although it seems like more downs then ups, but we've usually been able to get back to where we left off. Lately it's been one fight after another and I find myself separating from him emotionally. Sex is still great but the rest is almost nonexistent. I'm bored of him. He is a calm loner who doesn't have many friends or outside life, while I on the other hand am a strong-willed, hot tempered women who enjoys experiencing everything life has to offer. Is there any hope for my husband and me?

Lots. But don't waste half a nanosecond worrying about what the neighbors think. All that matters is what you and your husband think. It's time to sit down with him and tell him much of what you told me. But it would be wise to remember there was a reason the two of you were attracted to each other in the first place. Over the long haul, hot-tempered types do well to have a calmer soul around. It's a good balance—if you can get over some of the short-term hassles. Right now, you are feeling a new power and wanting to exercise it—but making the mistake of thinking that its true test is your attractiveness to other men. It's not worth breaking up your marriage for. Why don't you hire a baby sitter, arrange a date with Hubby and tell him in a very loving way some things that are on your mind. Be sure to turn your complaints into open-ended questions preceded by an appreciation for what he is doing. And remember that your husband may not be happy with the way things are going either. You both need to know you are committed to each other and to the relationship. You might ask him whether the fights are bothering him as much as they are you because you don't seem able to recover the emotional closeness you once had and you miss that. You could ask him why he thinks you two are fighting so much these days. You could ask him whether his life is going the way he wants it to right now, and listen carefully to his answer. You could express appreciation for the support he's giving you to be back at work, and ask whether he feels he's getting what he'd like from you. You could tell him how much you enjoy your sex life but would love to put some sizzle into the rest of the life you share, and ask him if he has some ideas of how you two could do that. The point is, you need to remember you are married and to take your complaints to your partner—but to state them in a kind and considerate way that is most likely to lead to the kind of change you want.