His Ex Is Back

Hara Estroff Marano advises on a prospective boyfriend who is spending time with his ex.

By Hara Estroff Marano, published on September 23, 2005 - last reviewed on July 21, 2006

I finally met someone under what seemed to be the perfect circumstance—through a hobby we both share and are very passionate for. After only about two weeks of meeting, he asked if I were interested in a date. I expressed my fear of the awkwardness that might occur if the dating didn't work out. He reassured me this wouldn't be the case, offering as proof the fact that he had dated another girl in our social circle and they have remained friends despite failed romance. The clincher is they dated for eight years! To boot, she is currently going through a divorce, after a very short marriage, and is now spending a great deal of time with my potential love interest. Is this too much drama to involve myself in? Although I'm interested in him, I don't know either of them well enough to determine what's really going on. Is it possible they are more than friends, she may become jealous of me, or perhaps that's his intent? I suppose it's also possible we are all more mature than that, but with this spin my bubble is burst!

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Whoa, girl. You haven't even gone out with Hobbyboy and you already want to control his social circle and restrict his socializing. Take one step at a time and give up the idea of controlling his past—or anyone's. You don't even know yet whether you really like this guy and whether there are compatibilities that go beyond your hobby. The only way you can find out is to spend time with him with lots of opportunities for talk. If your interest grows and if his interest grows, then it would be reasonable to expect him not to put himself in harm's way with an ex (or anyone else). That's a sign of growing commitment and should evolve naturally over time. But at this early stage, you don't even know whether his ex has romantic designs on him or vice versa; they could just feel comfortable with each other, and that could be especially important to someone coming out of a failed marriage. Unless there's more to this than you've revealed, the drama is something you're constructing in your head. Feel free to date Hobbyboy, but go slow and let feelings of mutual attachment develop naturally. If they don't, or if it turns out there really is a sideshow, then you can walk off the stage with your dignity intact.