"Confusion," insists Byron Katie, "is the only suffering in the world." And the way to relieve confusion is to develop a questioning mind.
Katie is a self-styled coach and helper who has developed a very simple, but very rigorous method of inquiry into your own mind. It's a way of getting to know yourself, and a means of turning misery around.
It's Katie's contention that it's the beliefs and judgments we build around our own experiences that trap us in unhappiness. And she urges you to systematically examine your beliefs and judgments -- anytime, anywhere, any thoughts -- with four simple questions.
You could call it the anti-Dr. Phil school of psychology. Katie doesn't tell you what to do or what to think. She encourages you to find out what is true yourself. Her method is kind of a take-no-prisoners version of what good psychologists do -- they get you to examine, and see the falsity of the judgments you make about your own experience.
Most of the thoughts that cause distress are not new; they're all recycled. And they boil down to "I want to be appreciated/loved/approved." "We're trapped in these thoughts," says Katie. Freedom and happiness lie in opening up your judgments.
Let's say you feel your boyfriend or girlfriend isn't paying enough attention to you. It causes you deep anxiety because you feel s/he doesn't love you. You may even worry that you will be partnerless soon.
"The mind's job is to validate what it thinks, " says Katie, so it looks for proof that s/he doesn't love you. The problem is, there are not a lot of options in fear. You need clarity to know what is really going on.
Question number one: Is it true? Is it true that s/he doesn't love you?
Question number two: Can you absolutely know that it's true? How do you know it's true? Can you read his or her mind?
Question number three: How do you react when you think that thought? It probably makes you scared.
Question number four: Who would you be without that thought? What would you be doing if you didn't think that thought? Without that story, what would your life be like?
Katie requests that you bring to mind a particular person whose love, approval or appreciation you want, or used to want. It can be anyone from your past or present, home or work. Here's a miniworksheet to move you along.
- I am frustrated at _________ because_______________________. (Examples: "I am frustrated at John because he's lazy and only wants to watch television." "I am frustrated at John because he won't leave his wife.")
- I need or needed___________to___________________________. (Examples: I need my wife to love and respect me. "I need my boss to notice how well I treat the customers." "I need the person sitting next to me to talk to me.")
- What do you want this person to think, say or do? I want _________ to _______________.
- What do you hope will happen if you get this person's love or approval? ______________ will ________________________. (Examples: "Jack will think I'm the most wonderful person in the world. He will be very proud of me and never want anyone else." "My girlfriend will marry me.")
- What do you fear will happen without this person's love or approval, etc.? I fear _____________.
And then turn the thought around. Consider reversed or opposite versions of the thought. Turning around "he doesn't care about me" might lead you to "I don't care about him. (When I feel hurt, I withdraw or I get angry and I don't care what he feels.)
Or it might lead you to "I don't care about me." (I don't care about myself when I go to war with someone I love. I take away my own peace of mind.")
Or you might conclude "He does care about me. (He may love me and still speak harshly to me. He may love me and still want to leave me.")
Ask yourself if any of your turned-around versions seem as true or even truer than your original thought. And if they do, find three genuine ways in which they are true. Turnarounds, says Katie, can dramatically set you free from a thought, especially if you've loosened your belief in it by following the earlier steps.
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