When She Cheats
I'm a 35-year-old male in a 10-year relationship (the second for both of us) and very much in love. The problem is that she has cheated on me at least three times that I know of, and I'm still here. We do have children together, but what seems to keep me with her is my love for her, although sometimes I wonder whether it isn't some sick hurt-me complex. After an affair happens, she's so sorry I eventually forgive her, thinking we're rebuilding our relationship -- and then she does it again. I do love her and would be willing to forgive almost anything, but when does enough become enough? Or am I just getting used because she knows I won't leave?
I'm not sure there's some sick complex. I wonder what you have come to expect of relationships and why you tolerate such repeated offenses. Not to excuse her behavior, but don't you wonder what drives her to stray? Have you ever sat down and asked what she seeks on the outside that she isn't getting on the inside? All good relationships start with emotional intimacy. Do the two of you make time for each other? Do you talk and listen to each other? Are you kind to each other, and supportive? Do you have fun together? When there's satisfying emotional closeness inside a relationship there's very little drive to look for it or even respond to offers of it elsewhere.
Once an affair occurs, your partner has to be willing to go out of her way to restore trust. Perhaps you are letting her off the hook too easily and she doesn't understand the depth of the pain she has caused you. You might want to check out the question and answer following.
When He Cheats
My boyfriend of five years cheated on me and I thought I could forgive him but I can't seem to let it go. He still communicates with the girl he cheated with through work. He says he doesn't but I don't believe him because he hides his cellphone from me, which he never used to do before. He tells me that he has nothing with her and that he doesn't talk to her, but I know for a fact he does. What should I do?
You can't let it go because he shattered the rules you thought you were both living by, and that's a huge trauma. Forgiveness isn't one-sided; he has to be willing to make amends for his transgression, and even then it's not easy. Your boyfriend needs to understand that he caused you pain, and if he really cares about you and the relationship, he will empathize with that pain, which will make him feel bad, too. The way a straying partner restores trust is to go out of his way to prove his trustworthiness to you. It could take many months, even years. If he doesn't understand the trauma he caused and isn't willing to change his behavior, then you might as well end the relationship now, before there are children and your investment in the relationship is even greater. If he is willing, the two of you need to sit down and talk calmly about ways he can demonstrate his trustworthiness. Certainly at the top of the list would be giving up contact with an affair partner and a willingness to show you records of his cellphone calls until you feel he has earned back your trust. In addition, the two of you have to renegotiate a relationship from the ground up with rules you can both live by. Expecting an intimate relationship to be monogamous is pretty fundamental.
