Advice: The Needed and Dumped

Guidance on neediness and breakups. Her husband wants to spend his free time with his friends. And, her boyfriend dumped her.

By PT Staff, published on July 01, 2005 - last reviewed on September 09, 2005

One-Sided Lovin'

Q. I'm in a one-sided marriage. My husband wants to spend his free time with his friends. The problem is, I only want him and he wants everything else. Do I just try to enjoy the next couple of years and hope he will change or do I start making plans to leave?

A. Neither. Divorce won't automatically bring you happiness; it will just make your life harder. Instead, start developing some of your own interests. Most important, that will bring you both pleasure and friends, and you'll have a much better time in life. Your son will have a resident father. And it may just turn your husband's head around to wonder what you are up to and why you don't need him so constantly. That's the time to negotiate for some shared time.

Dumped and Devastated

Q. I'm 19 and my boyfriend dumped me after four years. I am devastated and can't eat or sleep. I love this guy with all my heart. Then I find out that he went out with one of my friends and told her that he loves her. He lied to her just to get into her bed. I think there is something wrong with him, like he enjoys doing this to us.

A. Next time try loving someone with your head as well as your heart. Unless you get smart about love, you're just setting yourself up for more trauma. Why not sit down by yourself or with friends, maybe even your parents or other adults you admire, and figure out what the ingredients are for a satisfying relationship and what personal qualities it takes to get there. I would think that trust would be at the top of the list of relationship necessities, and honesty would be one personal quality required for trust. Kindness would be good, too. Lover boy doesn't sound so hot by these standards. Next time look for someone who measures up on as many qualities as you can identify.