Advice: Stopping Pain From the Past

Hara Estroff Marano gives advice on letting go of an abusive past, opposite-sex friendships, keeping a relationship from being co-dependent and the rules of marriage.

By Hara Estroff Marano, published on July 01, 2005 - last reviewed on September 09, 2005

Stopping Pain From the Past

I was molested by my father and have been a victim of rape twice. I have been through counseling and am on medication. I am now 39 and have no sex drive. I have never really had a relationship. I just want a normal sex life. Companionship would be nice. But when does the pain from the past stop?

It stops WHEN you decide to stop being a victim. Yes, you've had more than a fair share of bad experiences. For now, your sex drive is right where it feels safest -- within you. But it's time to take the next step: finding a sensitive, caring partner. How to shed your fears? Studies show that the most effective way to overcome the effects of childhood abuse is through good psychotherapy, particularly cognitive behavioral therapy. Still, Don Sloan, former head of the Lenox Hill Hospital sex clinic, suggests that you use counseling and medication "only for the crisis -- not long term." Pretend, he advises, that your life is a 1,000-page book. At 39, you have already lived 400 pages. There are 600 to go. Today, you are starting Page 401. Says Sloan: You can live the next 600 with no awareness of what is on pages 1-400. No clinging allowed. Meet someone and put him on Page 401. There may come a time when you'll want to share those first 400 pages. It might also be enough to say they are blank and should stay that way -- as long as you function as you wish. But that will only come at a time when you have attained a new confidence and, most of all, gained the greatest single attribute needed to get into and stay in a wholesome relationship -- trust, a greater feeling than love. Love, trust and sex are your friends, not your enemies. Let your friends in.

Meeting Guy Friends

How can I make guy friends? I'm a single, 24-year-old woman. Every time I meet a guy, he either wants to date me or ditch me. I'd like a nice group of men to hang with. In college, they were all over the place. Where are they in the real world?

Yeah, that's what everyone wants to know: Where are all the members of the opposite sex? The guys want to know where the girls are, and the girls want to know where the guys are. The problem is, the organization of social life takes a dramatic turn for the worse after college, and it never gets as good or as casual as it was then, because now you're all dispersed on separate paths instead of sharing a common one. The sad truth is, come the end of the real-world workday, everyone's home slumped in front of the computer or TV thinking everyone else is part of a scene somewhere. Moreover, it generally takes a specific purpose -- like the search for a mate -- to move anyone off the couch. Some possible ways to jump-start opposite-gender hang-out friendships: Join or organize a group summer house; make regular visits to your friendly, local cafe and spend time reading or working there; join a local volleyball league if you're remotely inclined; sign up for volunteer work or an interesting class at a local cultural center. Or, try one of the online friendship networks.

I'm Tired of Being Sexually Frustrated

I am getting married this year to a man I love; however, he has not been able to satisfy me sexually. I have tried everything from toys to gels and cannot reach orgasm. I have had this problem with others, but I didn't think I would have it with the man I love. Will I have to settle?

Lots, and no, respectively. Making orgasm the Holy Grail of intimacy is like driving across the country and missing the scenery. All you can think is: "Are we there yet?" Forget about earth-shattering orgasms; they're not required for a great love life. Waiting for the Big Bang can destroy the many pleasures of connecting sensually and emotionally, and you need to linger among those. The pressure you feel to demonstrate love via orgasm, or the fear of not reaching orgasm, could actually interfere with sexual arousal. Orgasm is one of those things you just have to let happen; you can't make it happen. Instead of working toward orgasm, focus on expressing your feelings for each other through touch. Encourage your fiance to touch you in pleasurable ways. Toys are no substitute for knowing your own body and what gets you aroused; this is essential information and helps you guide your fiance. Don't keep the news to yourself; let him know when he makes you feel good. And become an active sexual partner; put all your feelings into the ways you touch him, exploring new possibilities as excitement builds. Tease each other: Let arousal build and then pull back a bit. Take time to "fool around," savoring every sensation. Of course, make sure that you and your fiance express affection for each other outside the bedroom, too, and stay emotionally and physically connected through hugging, kissing, teasing and other displays of affection.

The Clingy Couple

A close friend -- since high school -- has finally found the love of her life. They've been dating for two years, and he moved in a year ago. He's a good guy. The problem: I never see her. When we make plans, she brings him along. I've told her that I also like to see her alone or with mutual friends. She agrees, but nothing changes. I miss spending time with her! Is there anything I can do?