Unconventional Wisdom

Columnist Hara Estroff Marano shares advice on severe shyness, resisting the urge to date a "bad boy", and re-connecting intimately with your spouse.

By Hara Estroff Marano, published on January 01, 2005 - last reviewed on April 20, 2005

What's a Shy Guy to Do?

I'm a 24-year-old male virgin who has had no long-term relationships. I'm not gay and I get looks from girls, but I've had (and still do to a degree) severe shyness, so much so that I dropped out of college and went home to mom and dad, becoming a near recluse for over two years. With the help of a good therapist I got a job and am trying to finish college. My former cold desire for isolation has melted away, and I find myself wanting relationships. I am sick to death of the solipsism of masturbation fantasies. How does a person with such a self-destructive past get a girlfirend and build his social life up again?

Slowly, one step at a time. Don't worry how long it takes; there's no race. Shyness drives solipsism in many ways. It doesn't just make you focused on yourself, it especially focuses your attention on your own shortcomings. And it fosters the mistaken belief that everyone around you is focused on them too. They're not (trust me, they've got their own issues).

The way to get out of the prison of shyness is, ironically, to embrace it and understand its internal dynamics. Shyness involves a slowness to warm up, so give yourself extra time to adjust to conversations and social gatherings. Do what non-shy people do: Plan ahead to have something to say, or rehearse asking questions. Develop a repertoire of opening gambits for conversation. Get to parties and places early to feel comfortable in the setting. Gather informaion about a discussion before jumping in. Forget that you can't tell a joke well or aren't great at small talk. Direct your attention outward and pay attention to the person you're talking to.

Perhaps above all, learn to handle failure. Everyone gets turned down. Don't attribute it to being unlikable or awkward. Recognize that it can result from many factors. And take another stab at success: "Well, can we make a date for next week instead?"

Remember, 48 percent of people identify themselves as shy. You can take an active role in finding and talking with them, perhaps via the internet.

The Allure of Bad Boys

Why do women seem compelled to go for the "bad boy"? And is there anything I can do to influence that situation to my benefit?

Bad Boys do seem to have their appeal -- until it's too late and a woman is stuck in a relationship with one of them and mortgaging the house to bail him out of jail yet again. They really lose their appeal with age. There is no shortage of theories why we like 'em. Bad boys are provocative and daring; that always seems appealing. They stir up excitement, which seems like fun to be around. One take with an evolutionary twist has good women falling for bad boys because they seem to display some qualities (like strength) that may have been needed in our prehistoric past for achieving high status -- but unfortunately, they lack the full range of qualities that are likely to lead to success in today's much more complex world (intelligence, inventiveness, social skills, perseverance, behavioral flexibility).

Whatever the reason, bad boys do serve a valuable object lesson for us all. They instruct us that niceness is desirable but generally not sufficient for attracting a potential partner. People of both genders prefer others who are interesting and even exciting -- as well as nice.

Is My Wife Having an Affair?

I have been married to my second wife for almost 18 years. At first, we both enjoyed sex three to four times a week. Over the years our lovemaking diminished. When I voiced displeasure, my wife revealed that intercourse was painful for her. We stopped having sex immediately. When I asked if she had seen her doctor, she said he could find nothing wrong with her. That was five years ago. I love her and I can't bear the idea of hurting her. However, a short time later, I began to find very sexy thongs and bras in the laundry -- things she had previously professed to dislike. I can't help but wonder if she is having an affair. I've been told I'm not very perceptive about women. My first wife had several affairs that I was unaware of until after we were divorced. I welcome your suggestions.

Forget the laundry. Drop it off at the cleaners on the way to some wonderful little country inn with your wife. Surprise her, woo her and get know her all over again. And while you're at it, find a means of communication you can both understand.

For some reason, your wife is deeply unhappy with your relationship. Either she doesn't know how to tell you in words or you are ignoring or dismissing her unhappiness. Either way, there's no intimacy of any kind in your household. Sex is an incredibly important part of a marriage, a way two people feel close and express their love. By not insisting on finding a solution together to the real or metaphorical pain your wife was revealing, you provided little alternative for her but to search elsewhere for emotional -- and probably sexual -- connection.

It isn't just that you're not perceptive, it's that you didn't even put up a fight for your own relationship. That really is disappointing to a mate and can make anyone feel unloved. And you really think you are not hurting her? Dahlink, there are sins of commission and sins of omission. The latter may be harder to identify but they are no less destructive.