The Private Lives of Shrinks

How much should a therapist share? Sometimes sharing a personal anecdote may be beneficial to a client. But there's a fine line when crossing the boundaries of the therapist/client relationship.

By Carlin Flora, published on March 01, 2005 - last reviewed on January 31, 2008

Jeffrey Kottler, a California-based psychologist and author, has a pruned anecdote he delivers to patients as artfully as an actor performing a signature monologue. The gist: As a young man, he realized that a woman's romantic rejection would never hurt as much as his self-recriminations for not taking the risk of asking her out in the first place. The insight compelled him to invite a pretty waitress to dinner. When she turned up her nose, Kottler approached her coworker only to face rejection again, but this time, he found the brush-off liberating. This story has helped his patients overcome their own reluctance to take chances, Kottler says.

Yet within the therapeutic community, there's considerable disagreement about how and when therapists should divulge their feelings and experiences to clients. Self-disclosure can be one of the most effective tools at a therapist's disposal: A personal revelation can loom large in a patient's mind and forge a bond, spark an insight or motivate change. However, some argue that personal intimations can compromise the process or, in extreme (and usually illegal) cases, lead to boundary crossings, such as the formation of a romantic relationship.

For most of psychotherapy's history, in fact, self-disclosure has been anathema; in the Freudian tradition, the analyst assumes the role of an aloof observer. But because the bond between therapist and patient is now considered the best instrument of therapy's success, many therapists agree that a well-considered bit of personal revelation can be a good, if tricky, technique.

Therapists can open up about themselves to illustrate themes, model appropriate behavior and build intimacy, says Kottler, author of dozens of books for therapists. But he's quick to point out that his favorite story doesn't reveal, for example, whether he is now married. "Biographical details could be misperceived, particularly if the patient is more disturbed," he says. When a therapist reveals unnecessary personal details, the client can easily misinterpret this as an overture toward friendship.

The problem with boundaries, warns Gary Schoener, a Minneapolis-based therapist and ethics expert, is that they exist as fluid lines that shift according to a particular therapist's style and a particular patient's needs. As a general rule, however, a practitioner should talk about herself with a specific purpose in mind. It should be an intentional act, and not of the "Oh, that reminds me of the time I… " variety. Clients pay for therapy to explore their inner states, after all, not those of the therapist. "The great danger of revelations is that they take the focus off the client," says Kottler. "It could reflect the therapist's own narcissism and self-centeredness."

Curiosity about a therapist's personal life is understandable. But soliciting private tidbits may be a client's means of deflecting attention from uncomfortable feelings and the difficult task of therapy, says therapist Daniel Aferiat.

Michael Edelstein, a psychologist, considers it unnatural to refuse a patient's queries. "If someone asks me something personal, I always answer," he says. "We're just two people. The therapist-client relationship is not isolated from human relationships." Of course, sense and sensitivity must factor into any decision to disclose: "If a client is struggling to lose weight," he says, "I'm not going to talk about how easy it is for me to maintain mine."