Hara Estroff Marano gives advice on assessing future mates, dealing with shopaholics, persistent ex-girlfriends, treating alcoholics, problem-solving with your child and marriage maintenance.
By
Hara Estroff Marano, published on March 01, 2005 - last reviewed on April 25, 2005
There may be many reasons why a person requested to perform is unable to do so. For example, someone may have the desire to perform but lacks the necessary skill or confidence. Perhaps your early education keeps you from seeing the myriad possibilities in which can't is a descriptive statement instead of a judgment of others. Telling a 5-year-old -- or anyone -- to try harder is virtually useless; it's a tremendously vague concept that doesn't help her know what to change. Instead, why don't you suggest that she try not harder but differently? Help her become mentally agile. Suggest that she come up with as many different ways of thinking about a situation or problem as possible; that should generate a variety of solutions. Perhaps you can demonstrate an alternative way of thinking about something.
On the Rocks
in 30 Days
My husband and I were married for 30 days before he went overseas with the military. When he left, our relationship was on the rocks. Home on leave, he spent more time with his friends and family. He says I'm too serious.
Distance and the experience of combat can put strains on any relationship, not to mention one that never had a chance to gel. Before you start finding fault with each other (and there's always fault to find), recognize that circumstances have not allowed either of you much opportunity to learn and practice how to be married. Small wonder your husband felt more comfortable around friends and family when he was home. Also, do not assume that differences doom a marriage; it's disrespect for differences that does. Make sure that you are not even subtly devaluing his experience. Still, he isn't going to be in the army forever. If you haven't already done so, you should be talking about your short- and long-range goals. Perhaps they are already aligned, and you just need to tap into them during this time of separation.
Tags:
alcoholism,
avalanches,
belief that,
buying furniture,
compulsive hoarder,
compulsiveness,
dictum,
frenzy,
horror,
household,
infatuation,
marriage,
parenting,
psyche,
self worth,
shopaholic
