When To Say "I Love You"?
A man I've known for just over three weeks has not only professed his love but his intention to spend the future with me. I want to see how he is around friends, how he handles conflict, and how emotionally, spiritually and mentally connected we become. I also wonder if, at 42, he's just settling.
Enjoying the thrill of infatuation is entirely compatible with sensing that there's much more to know before buying furniture. Your beau is probably euphoric over finding someone he can share so much with; rejoice that he feels free to express his feelings. The question whether he is "settling" by choosing you suggests that you may doubt your self-worth. If you value yourself, you will respect his choice of you and not act in ways that undermine his belief that he has chosen well. Most people make some calculation at some point that "it's time"; that's when they become open to assessing the partner potential of people they encounter.
"Very Eccentric" or Clinically Ill?
My husband is a compulsive hoarder and shopaholic, filling every inch of our six-bedroom house. We have zero room for entertaining. Despite daily avalanches of stuff, he steps over the mega-mess and compliments me for not being a nag. I fear being buried alive and feel ashamed I'm "enabling" his buying frenzy.
You're already being buried alive. But it isn't your job to cure your husband's hoarding. He's in charge of his own psyche -- though he long ago left "eccentric" in the dust. The giveaway: His behavior interferes with the functioning of his life, your life and your lives together.
It's good that you feel ashamed, but that's not enough. Shame is not meant to be permanent; it's supposed to motivate a change in behavior. Instead it's crippling you because you have subscribed to his dictum about what can be discussed lest you be branded -- oh, horror! -- a nag.
Nagging isn't the only option. Every household needs rules of organization. You could start small by proposing a "clean room." If money's no object, perhaps he would agree to constructing a shed to hold his stuff.
Stronger tactics may also be needed. You can announce that you're throwing a party and inviting his friends; plan it well in advance so he has time for cleanup, but be prepared to ride out the embarrassment if he doesn't. You can call a fire marshal to inspect the house. Or you can tell him you're moving out until the house becomes habitable and you look forward to moving back. You can do all of the above, none in anger, all out of healthy concern for safety.
E-mails From an Ex
My husband's ex-girlfriend has been e-mailing him. He says he's not going to reply to her anymore, but now I'm angry at her for not moving on. Should I give her a piece of my mind?
It's not your place to respond to your husband's mail. If his ex can't let go, then he has the responsibility for deflecting the potential threat to his marriage. He could send one final e-mail stating that he does not wish to hear from her again. He could block all e-mail from her. Your husband can restore your trust by making these actions transparent. It's the secrecy of an outside relationship that makes a partner feel betrayed.
It's not clear that past contact has been only one-sided; that may be the real source of your anger. Whatever change you ask of your husband should be done not in anger but with an expression of your caring and how much you would be hurt if he didn't end the contact. Let's hope he responds with concern for your distress.
How Do I Help My Alcoholic Husband?
My husband's longtime drinking problem has gotten worse. Now he has high blood pressure but refuses to take medication and continues to drink. My doctor told me to act now -- but how? I am concerned.
If your doctor is passing the full responsibility to you, that is not only unfair, it is "grossly unethical," says Arthur Caplan, director of the Center for Bioethics at the University of Pennsylvania. Your physician is in the best position to talk with your husband and lay out treatment options. The choice should not be whether hubby gets treatment, but which approach he takes; Alcoholics Anonymous is one possibility. "There should be a plan in place with full options including detox and rehab in an outpatient setting," Caplan advises.
You can pull from the home front, not by nagging but by telling your husband the truth: how much you care for him and want to enjoy a long life together. Expressing affection communicates concern in a way least likely to engage his resistance. The truth is that married men live an average of eight years longer than men who live alone precisely because they are subject to the concern of their wives.
Psychologist Stanton Peele, an expert on addiction, suggests more steps you can take: Make yourself available to your husband if he wants to interact soberly, and offer him opportunities to do so. Do not support intoxicated behavior; refuse to participate. And, perhaps most importantly, you can increase your spouse's motivation to change by asking him, for example, about how life has changed since he started drinking so heavily.
How To Get a Kid
to Try Harder
I'm hard-pressed to believe that can't is a word. I was told as a child that a person who "can't" is too (expletive) to try. I think that the person who "can't" can -- but won't, because they don't want to. I need clarification as I'm using this as a motivational tool for my 5-year-old. I want her to try harder when she says she can't.
Tags:
alcoholism,
avalanches,
belief that,
buying furniture,
compulsive hoarder,
compulsiveness,
dictum,
frenzy,
horror,
household,
infatuation,
marriage,
parenting,
psyche,
self worth,
shopaholic
