Advice: Passing on Depression

If you have a family history of mental illness, how can you detect depression in your children when you suspect it's looming?

By Hara Estroff Marano, published on March 16, 2005 - last reviewed on February 13, 2007

I have read that children with a parent and grandparent with depression/anxiety problems have a 60% higher chance of developing some sort of psychiatric disorder, most likely anxiety, and can start showing signs by their early teens. I have suffered from depression/anxiety for most of my adult life as has my mother. My son will soon be 16 and is a wonderful, seemingly well adjusted child, but his life HAS had some pitfalls. I have been a single mother and although we have a great relationship, his father leaves MUCH to be desired as a father. I have had several failed relationships and recently we moved to a new state. Although I have not noticed any signs of depression/anxiety in him I wouldn't be surprised if there was something looming. How do I head it off at the pass?

First, it's pretty clear that depression and anxiety run in families, but it isn't clear exactly how these conditions get transmitted. Often, without even realizing it, parents fill the atmosphere of home with, and through it pass on to children, a negative worldview and unproductive patterns of dealing with change and with life's inevitable setbacks. So examine your own statements and behavior and make sure you convey to your son the idea that challenges can be surmounted, that when things go wrong that doesn't doom him but should be a stimulus for analysis and a new approach. Second, remain connected to your son so that the channels of communication are always open and he can feel comfortable talking to you about his state of mind. Third, pay attention to his behavior. Don't be intrusive but do watch for specific signs of anxiety/depression—apathy, staying in his room more than usual, a drop in grades, an increase in irritability or anger. Make sure your son has friends and access to friends, that he has time to pursue some of his own interests, and that the time you spend with him is positive and rewarding. By the way, it isn't your job to decide what your son gets out of his father; every kid wants two parents, and except in the most dysfunctional of circumstances, most benefit by being connected to both their parents. Please do everything in your power to see that your son has a relationship with his father. If the relationship is less than perfect, talk to your son about what he wishes were better, but don't put your ex down.