Advice: No Trust and a Temper

A woman contemplates leaving her boyfriend, after he admitted sleeping with an ex early in their new relationship.

By Hara Estroff Marano, published on March 16, 2005 - last reviewed on March 21, 2005

I met my boyfriend over a year ago. When we started dating, he still hung out with his ex because he promised her to be friends after they broke up. I was OK with it at first. One day I stopped by his apartment and she was there and threw a temper tantrum on me. I was confused; I thought I was the one who was supposed to be angry that my boyfriend's ex was in his apartment. Since then, he stopped hanging out with her. But he has since admitted that they slept together when we started dating. He said we were not exclusive yet. Still I feel like he was cheating on me. He did tell me that he feels guilty about it all the time and would make it up to me the rest of my life. I don't really trust him and I don't know whether it's because of that experience or whether it's just me. My family thinks he's a good guy but they don't like his temper. He gets angry and frustrated easily -- but never with his fists. He is a good and caring boyfriend and he loves me dearly, but whenever I think about the past and his temper, I feel like I want to end this. Am I asking too much from him?

Actually, you're not asking enough of yourself. Your boyfriend obviously has a problem with impulse control. There may come a day -- soon after you get married -- when he thinks he has made it up to you, or gets tired of trying. In fact, you can count on it. Then what? Trust your instincts and listen to your family. They are likely to see things in him that your feelings are obscuring. Your boyfriend may be right that you had not pledged exclusivity either explicitly or implicitly early in your relationship. But that isn't the issue. The problem is him -- he lied to you about what was really going on, and that's why you can't trust him. Deception makes people confused, as you felt, and crazy. Buyer beware: Do you really want to be with someone for life who is willing to save himself by sacrificing your sanity?