My husband of two years (together for 10) asked me to sleep outside the marriage. The man, a coworker, was better in bed than my husband and I can't stay away from him -- and my husband is furious with me. Am I wrong for what I'm doing? My husband cheated on me six months before our wedding day. I don't know if it is revenge or what! I am afraid to leave my husband; my coworker says he can't get into a serious relationship with me until after I leave my husband and he sees how the relationship unfolds.
I'm awfully confused. I can't imagine why your husband would be furious at you for enjoying intimacy with a co-worker when he suggested it in the first place. And that's just the start of what really confuses me. Why would your husband -- or any healthy man -- ask his wife (it's irrelevant how long you've been together) to sleep with another man? Does he get pleasure out of seeing you degraded? Did he suggest it in a moment of anger? Was he tired of your complaints? Even if your husband requested it and meant it, why would you consent?
Was your "sleeping outside the marriage" supposed to counterbalance his act of betrayal? Or get you off your husband's back with complaints about his lovemaking?
You don't repair betrayal by reenacting the crime. That only compounds it. Forget the co-worker. He suspects he was used, and rightly so. He was. You can't count on him to be there; he probably won't. He's just looking for a way to ease you down.
Are you wrong for what you're doing? Yes, along with your husband. To a lesser degree, so is your co-worker, who took advantage of the war of pain and revenge between you and your spouse and tasted some of the spoils.
The one thing you left out of your letter is the most important. How do you feel about your husband? How he is in bed is secondary; that can always be amped up, and it sounds as it if once was. You can restore good sex -- primarily by restoring a loving relationship and getting rid of the hurtful one you now are engaged in.
Is it possible for you and your husband to talk honestly, kindly and straightforwardly to each other? If you were hurt by his betrayal and his subsequent request that you turn the tables and betray him, then tell him so. And tell him what you would like. To repair the marital relationship? A divorce? Be sure to speak from your heart.
Ask him what he would like? And be sure to ask him why he asked you to sleep with another man. If in your hearts you both want to continue the relationship, then get yourself to a good family therapist. You're going to need all the help you can get.
Tags:
act of betrayal,
affair,
co worker,
compounds,
coworker,
divorce,
good sex,
infidelity,
lovemaking,
loving relationship,
marriage,
pleasure,
revenge,
serious relationship,
six months,
spoils,
wedding day
