Advice: Taking My Hubby Back

A wife contemplates taking her husband back after he left her for a year to be with another woman.

By Hara Estroff Marano, published on December 31, 1969 - last reviewed on July 13, 2005

I am in my late 30s, married for 14 years. I have always been a vivacious girl. When I met my husband, I fell so madly in love that I did most of the wooing and continued to do it for several years. I changed myself completely to suit his needs -- reduced contact with my family, friends, gave up smoking and drinking, dressed the way he liked. I was a good daughter-in-law, wife and mother. A few years ago I found out he was being unfaithful to me. I tried to leave him, but could not, as I was still in love with him, and was afraid to face the world alone. He left me after a tussle for a few months, and moved to another city. I have no idea what became of the other woman. After about a year, he realized he missed me and the kids, and called me to join him. By then, I had found another man who I was in love with. I had lost interest in my husband completely. This man is married and will not leave his wife for the sake of his kids, but spends a lot of time with me. What should I do?

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Not that it isn't wise to give up drinking and smoking. But your saga demonstrates a basic truth of relationships -- that tailoring your own self to suit the wishes of another just doesn't work in the long run. Neither partner benefits. Aside from keeping you from recognizing your own needs (and thus keeping you from ever getting them met), it sets up a power imbalance in the relationship that corrodes it from within. It shifts too much responsibility for you onto your husband, and he may disdain that, as much as you feel violated (and perhaps even angry) for having sacrificed yourself for him. Perhaps it's time to consider a "time out" from all relationships -- to find out who you truly are, what you truly need in life and in a relationship and what you truly want. What you definitely do not need is to have a relationship (especially a super-complicated one involving a married man) just because you do not wish to face life alone. Most of us do not wish to face life alone. But we do need to set the terms of relationships that respect our fundamental value as a human being. Spend some time getting to know yourself before you hitch yourself to anyone else.