My 16-year-old granddaughter, unfortunately, is pregnant and in a shelter. Her mother is a crack addict and lost custody last August. The girl had been staying with us, her maternal grandparents, but was put in a shelter by youth services because she kept running away each weekend to be with a boyfriend. Her father lives in another state and refused to have her live with him since she is pregnant. She is doing well in the shelter but wants to come live with us. My husband and I are both senior citizens and in good health but he doesn't want to raise another child. I want to help her get to college, as her only chance in life is to get an education. Should I persuade my husband to let her stay with us? And what about the baby?
You may be able to have it both ways. But first things first. Life throws all of us curve balls from time to time. You and your husband got one thrown at you. You might not have freely chosen to raise your granddaughter and her baby at this point in your life, but you might want to consider what the alternatives are for her and her baby and how they stack up against your innermost values and your sense of yourselves as loving parents. That absentee Dad can choose the terms on which he pays attention to his wayward daughter, no matter how life-affecting the consequences, may help explain why she is in this predicament in the first place. Parents of minors don't have the right to check out just because the kid is disobedient or does something stupid. Should you and your husband decide to take your granddaughter in—and I don't see how you can not do so—you can (no, you MUST) set down clear lines of responsibilities so that your granddaughter plays the largest role in raising her own child. You will need to have very kind and frank discussions about who is in charge of what. Bear in mind that in some states, youths who are receiving social services may be eligible for public grants that partially support their higher education, especially in a nearby community college; please explore the possibilities with your granddaughter and social service workers. Community college might be an excellent choice for your granddaughter, because it is likely to allow her to maintain some responsibility for her child at the same time it puts her in contact with other young mothers like herself—all while she starts on the education she needs. If you don't take your granddaughter in, you may well be consigning yet two more generations to the kind of degraded life your daughter has fallen into. You may not have caused her problems, but you can help solve them.
