I have been married for 21 years and recently discovered through conversation with my husband that he has been unfaithful 20 of those years off and on. Through cell phone records I discovered he was calling and talking to another woman for hours several times a day and talking less and less to me. When I asked, he said he likes talking to her and nothing was happening. He then starting using phone calling cards so calls could not be traced. I called his friend and she said she liked talking to him and nothing was going on. She said she knew he was married and I told her she wasn't the first and won't be the last. He said I snooped. I said I did what I had to do because he would not tell me anything. He has sent her money. Her text messages to him were "Hi baby, I miss U. When can I see you. Call me at my sister's."
I have asked him to seek counseling; he said I had the problem not him. How do I move on before it's too late?. My heart is torn into a million peaces. We have two teen-age children. I feel when they leave home he will leave me anyway. I don't know if I want to beat him to the punch and leave or just play this whole thing out.
Amazing how self-righteous people can be when caught lying and cheating! Of course you're snooping; but that's understandable though not laudable. The organizing principle of your life is threatened and the person you trusted most has betrayed you, violating legal, ethical and financial obligations for 20 years.
How can you have any respect under the circumstances, unless he takes drastic steps to begin to restore your trust? And there's no guarantee it can be rebuilt. For starters, he'd have to acknowledge his wrongdoing -- and your pain -- and give up contact with other women, to your satisfaction.
As for the lovebirds protestation that "nothing" is going on, it all depends on your definition of "nothing," if you catch my drift. Lots is going on, certainly an emotionally close relationship and a financially intense relationship that has been kept secret from you. It's the secrets that hurt. Here's a good test: if "nothing" is going on, why has it all been kept secret from you until now?
But what made you wait 20 years? Were there no signals that you missed during that time before you searched the cell phone records?
Your husband refuses counseling because he knows his behavior is wrong and any counselor with a brain would advise him to give up the affair to save his marriage. He may be a compulsive philanderer, filled with weird beliefs, such as it's OK, and even a man's right, to cheat on his wife. Do you know about your husband's father and the kind of marriage he had? Perhaps that's where he picked up his wayward ways.
What's troubling is that your pain means little to your husband. And that you apparently have no emotional bond with your him, certainly not if you've been expecting his departure when the kids leave home.
What possible satisfaction could there be in "beating him to the punch." He's already landed a big punch. Before you do anything else, I suggest you get copies of the incriminating text messages and records of cell phone calls and give them to a lawyer to hold in the event you file for divorce. Then you should firmly but politely tell your husband that he has a choice: he can make an effort, with you, to save the marriage or he can have a date with you in court.
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