My Husband Is Too Attached to Mom
I really love my husband of two years and he loves me, too. But he is so attached to his family, especially his mother, that it makes me feel insecure and results in depression. I have tried speaking to him about this, but he feels I am being selfish and unfair to his mom by saying so. We now live in a different country than his parents. But she calls almost every day to say that she misses him, and when we visit them she accompanies us everyplace. Is it normal to feel this way and how can I free myself from this insecurity?
It's wise to choose a spouse who has good relations with his own parents. That said, you also want a spouse who can be on your side in life, who can freely achieve and exercise independence without feeling that he's sacrificing closeness to his parents.
Balancing closeness and distance in relationships is always a high-wire act for grown parents and children, and circumstances such as being in a different country can make a person exaggerate feelings of distance to the point of panic. That may be happening both to your husband and to your mother-in-law. Getting settled in and feeling comfortable and successful in a new country can set up longing for home that may be making your husband especially receptive to calls from his mother.
Under no circumstances should you be making your husband feel that he has to choose between his wife or his mother, or that choosing you means abandoning his mother. But he does have to find a way to manage an intrusive parent, and that's not easy.
Times of change are stressful for everyone and no two people adapt on the same timetable. It may be that you want extra attention from your husband at this time while he's feeling at sea himself.
You do need to talk to your husband about this. My guess is that the problem is not the fact of having a conversation but in how you raise the topic. And by now, he probably expects anything on this subject to go badly and would like to avoid it. Whatever else you do, don't approach the subject from a critical perspective; that will only make him more defensive and more protective of his mother, which makes you feel alienated. Alienation is indeed a recipe for depression.
Instead, tell him that you love him and need and would like more attention and support from him. You're most reminded of your own need when he talks to his mother and supports her. But be sure to ask your husband if he would like more attention from you.
And the next time you're about to visit your mother-in-law, you might ask your husband if he's comfortable with his mother's constant company. If he's not, he might need your help brainstorming polite ways he can ask her not to accompany you two everywhere.
If he is, you might ask him what makes him feel that way. Does he feel guilty about living so far from his parents?
Remember, you'll never be able to have the discussion you need until you raise the topic with great tenderness and sympathy.
Of course, there are always at least two sides to every issue, and part of the problem may really be oversensitivity on your part—a kind of jealousy of attention he bestows on anyone else. That comes from a weak sense of self; attention devoted to someone other than yourself becomes rejection and a prime pathway to depression.
Be sure you have a variety of ways besides your husband's attention to build up your own sense of self. Be sure to spend time building you own interests and accomplishments. That will make you less sensitive to attention your husband pays to other important people in his life.
It's Been Eight Years with No Sex
I have been married for almost ten years now and over the past eight years there has been no sex in our relationship. My husband has no sex drive although he has seen the doctor and was prescribed Viagra, which did not work. There is no passion in our marriage and I am tired of it. I recently started having an affair with someone from out of state whom I've known for years. We get together every couple of months and have wonderful sex. He is a tender lover and knows all the things I like. However, I am feeling guilty about this affair. I resent the fact that my husband and I are not intimately involved. I have brought the tender subject several times and don't get any results. I bring up the subject calmly and usually get no reaction. He is a good man and I love him, but I really miss the sex part of our life. I really don' t know how to approach the subject anymore. Please don't use my name if this is printed.
Tenderness is a fine quality in a lover and so is a polished technique. But that's all very mechanical. Really good sex is much more, and it starts with a really good emotional connection between two people. That's where you're husband is likely to find his missing sex drive—and it's time to start searching for it.
Having sex with an old friend is a sure-fire way to continue keeping passion out of your marriage. What is missing from your life is the courage for you and your husband to be your whole selves with each other. Of course, you don't get it by keeping secrets from your spouse.
Because sex drive is not a function of penile hydraulics but of the brain, flagging sex drive is not ever responsive to Viagra. Viagra, however, can be seen as the best thing to happen to doctors: it makes it easy for them to avoid dealing with sex problems, about which most know very little anyway.
Tags:
advice,
attachment,
circumstances,
closeness,
guess,
high wire,
longing,
mother in law,
parent,
parents,
relationship,
sex,
timetable,
wire act
