Advice: Unconventional Wisdom

Questions and answers on a sexless marriage and how dating a younger man may influence family dynamics.

By Hara Estroff Marano, published on December 10, 2004 - last reviewed on December 10, 2004

Sex with a Snorer

My wife and I have been married almost 31 years. We have not slept together for nine-plus years; she snores really bad. We have had more sex this year, six times, than in the last 2 1/2 years. She just does not want to have sexual intercourse. What is a guy to do? I love my wife, but this is just tearing us apart. When we talk about sex, she just gets upset and will not talk about it. Please help.

If snoring prevented sexual relations, both the red and the blue states would all be very gray states. There is no known biological link between snoring and sex, save for the rude awakening you're likely to get after you fall asleep in each other's arms. You may, however, find the closeness worth the disturbance.

If talking about sex upsets your wife so much, then skip the conversation; be cleverer than that. Say, one evening after dinner, or before, while you are engaged in some pleasant joint activity or conversation, lead her gently by the hand to the bedroom. Sex is just one of those things that are often easier to do than to talk about.

If she isn't open to any such hanky panky, then you might just talk to her genuinely at some other quiet time. You could start by telling her how much you miss being with her, and ask her what you could do that would reignite her interest in closeness.

But it might be wise to examine your own behavior first. Start with basics, like making sure your own personal hygiene is up to snuff.

Usually those who refuse sex do so because they are angry or resentful at their partner for some sin of omission or commission. Sometimes they don't know how to talk about it to their partner; sometimes they've tried and their suggestions or complaints have fallen of deaf ears. So you need to discover what is pushing your wife away. Has she tried to suggest some changes to you that you have brushed off?

Most important of all, sex tends to flow naturally from a relationship of closeness. If you are not engaging your wife in the kinds of conversations or activities that promote true intimacy outside the bedroom, then it's unreasonable to expect her to have much interest in being inside the bedroom with you.

After you've inventoried your own possible shortcomings, check out any hunches with your wife. It's probably a conversation she's been waiting to have for a long time.

What Happened to My Boyfriend?

I am a 47-year-old woman who met a 27-year-old man. I was clear that I was looking for companionship, etc. He seemed interested in the beginning, which was about two months. For his Xmas/birthday gift I took him for a weekend trip to Mexico, all expenses paid. He was very distant from beginning to end of the trip. Over the next eight months we spoke on the phone periodically, and then we had one date. He has not tried to contact me since. I wanted to take the relationship slow, for I have two teenage daughters. I told him in time we would all get together. Now, three months later it's like he fell off the face of the earth. I get so emotional when I think of him. Any advice will help me through the holidays this year, as all this happened last year during the holidays.

First, you and your children would be much better off if you found someone your own age to play with and if you kept all the play away from your children until there were signs of advanced mutual interest. Second, a little dose of reality wouldn't hurt, either; did it ever occur to you that not too many young single guys with extensive dating options get serious very quickly, if at all, about stepping into pre-owned families equipped with children close to their age?

Third, hustling a brand new beau to Mexico or anywhere else for a weekend doesn't sound like anyone's idea of taking things slow. And why were you rushing into talking about the time you would "all get together" when he hadn't demonstrated any commitment to the relationship? (Two months is usually way too early for that, unless you've been raised on fairy tales.)

And not to be overlooked, your "gift" sounds more like a frank purchase of companionship. A gift is something you give for the sheer pleasure of giving; it sounds as if you expected lots in return. Not only are you disappointed for not getting anything, it's likely that recognizing the obligation lit a fire under Mexicoboy's feet. People don't like to be obligated, especially when they cannot reciprocate in kind. You put yourself in prime position to be taken advantage of; few young studs would turn down a free trip to anyplace interesting.

I suggest you go really slow the next time you meet someone. It's also unwise to invest more in a relationship than a partner does. In a good relationship, two people demonstrate by their own behavior the development of emotional and psychological bonds; a sense of commitment begins to emerge between them and both recognize it and, hopefully, articulate it. But that generally takes time. And unless it's 100 percent reciprocal, then it's just a wish and not a real relationship.

I suggest you plan some really festive activities with your daughters over the holidays and avoid giving gifts that obligate the recipient in any substantial way.