Till Debt Do Us Part

From undisclosed debt to unstated resentment, couples increasingly lead covert financial lives. This secrecy creates a new form of infidelity one that's more dangerous than sexual betrayal.

By Mary Loftus, published on November 01, 2004 - last reviewed on May 12, 2008

Take Leigh, a public relations executive and divorced mother of one. "When we started out, he was eight years older, and I was fresh out of school. He wasn't making a lot, but I thought he had potential. I turned out to be the worker in the family, and he turned out to be the guy who couldn't get anything going. He would tell me, 'Go for it, you're the corporate person.' I thought he was proud of me. At the time, it really boosted my ego. In hindsight, I think I was being used."

After the baby arrived, her husband quit his job to stay home and freelance, while Leigh worked 60 to 70 hours a week. She was exhausted and began to resent the time away from her child as well as the pressures of being the primary breadwinner. After nearly a decade on the corporate fast track, two life-changing events occurred: Leigh's father got cancer, and she got a huge bonus that equaled almost a year's salary.

"My father's illness woke me up, and that bonus was my ticket out," she says. "I quit my job and started freelancing. I began to see what was happening at home. My husband was playing computer games all day. I was done."

The Stay-at-Home Bargain

Betrayal can sneak in the patio door if a woman decides to kick her career back a notch after her nurturing instinct is tripped by having a baby. Her husband may feel slighted that their comfortable lifestyle has shrunk to a single set of wages and resentful that his wife has broken an (unstated) marital agreement: the promise of a better lifestyle.

Before Martha Nolan and Mike McKenzie said "I do," they had several in-depth conversations about money. "I was 35 and he was 36, so we were more practical in some considerations than twentysomethings," says Martha, a business journalist in Atlanta. "We pretty much had full financial disclosure."

Mike, a regional manager in industrial sales, remembers it as "a businesslike negotiation connected to the subject of having children. For example, I said I would not pay for private school because it was so expensive. I believed we needed to put more of our money aside for retirement."

After a year of infertility treatments, Martha and Mike adopted a newborn. "Just becoming parents cost us $30,000," says Martha. "Then we had the expense of a child. At the same time my company moved to Florida, so I lost my job." As a new mom, instead of looking for a fulltime job she started freelancing from home—at roughly half her former income.

But she began spending more. "I've always been very disciplined about spending, but when it comes to Helen, that goes out the window," says Martha. There are toys to be had, gymnastic and swimming classes, and private Montessori school. "Cash outlays I would never make for myself, I don't think twice about for Helen," she says.

Mike is trying to be patient. "We steer clear of Martha's employment status these days, since it can be a hot button. Before we had Helen, our agreement was that Martha would take maternity leave and go back to work fulltime for the income, health benefits, 401(k), and so forth," he says. "However, it became clear she wanted to work out of the house; I agreed as long as she was able to replace her income. She has not been able to do this, which has led to some resentment on my part, since I feel I've been taken advantage of to some degree."

At least Mike and Martha openly discuss their circumstances. As one woman pleaded on a stay-at-home moms' Web site: "I'm 32 years old and expecting my first child in September. I know in my heart that I want to be at home with my baby for at least the first year. My husband refuses to let me stay home, and I really resent the fact that he can just stuff our child into day care after six weeks. I've heard there are articles out there that show the costs of day care, lunches, clothes and such. The new mom actually doesn't make a lot of money [by returning to work]. Can anyone point me in the right direction? Maybe if I show these to my husband, it will start a discussion."

A discussion that, in truth, should have been started many moons ago. But couples rarely talk about money unless they are already in a fight or are upset about a pending financial problem—hardly the best time for clear discussion of their future.

Full Partnership

Marriage is as much a promise of fiscal partnership as of sexual monogamy. Despite the natural inclination to let money issues remain dormant, dealt with largely through avoidance and denial, the more proactive couples can be about creating a strategic plan and a shared vision of their financial lives, the better.

When Roger Gibson sits down with his wife, they dream out loud. A leading financial planner, Gibson is author of First Comes Love, Then Comes Money: Easy Steps to Avoid the No. 1 Conflict in Marriage. "My wife shares her dreams, I share mine: where we want to go, what we want to do, what we want for our children. Out of those dreams comes a budget, which becomes a compass. Finance can be a very intimate part of your marriage."

Valerie Gregg learned that the hard way. An at-home mother of three in Atlanta, she used to make purchases and hide them from her husband, an epidemiologist. But not anymore. "It means you're being dominated by somebody else," she says. "It's the behavior of a child, to lie to avoid being in trouble." She has come to see that "my husband and I are in this boat together." If he's short on the bills one month, she'll write him a check, courtesy of earnings from freelance writing. "Ultimately, we're married and sharing everything in our lives. That's what marriage is, right?"