Chemistry Lessons

What makes or breaks compatibility? Eight couples bare their souls.

By PT Staff, published on September 01, 2004 - last reviewed on June 16, 2005

Shared Passions

Dina and Bob Bomgardner

Bob, 42, a photographer, and Dina, 40, a singer and legal secretary, enjoy life's pleasures. "We love food, wine, travel, music," says Dina. Childless by choice, the Bomgardners have been together for 10 years, married for eight, and have created a life filled with art and adventure.

But things weren't always so sweet. Dina's hot temper flared on occasion; her fear that it would sabotage her relationship with Bob prompted her to see a therapist. "I would credit the fact that we're married to [my therapist]," she says.

They've now mastered the technique of "fair" fighting -- sticking to the issue at hand without bringing up past hurts, listening to each other's point of view -- and they avoid bickering over minor matters. And they both point to one ritual as the pillar of their marriage: formal dinners together a few times a week. "We light candles, and one of us will make the meal," says Bob. "We're not parked in front of the TV." Adds Dina, "That's when we do most of our talking. We'll share a bottle of wine and gab for two hours."

Common interests are of great value to this pair. "I know couples who aren't well matched, but who work well together," says Dina. "But I think they have less fun. That's the bottom line -- I enjoy his company."

Bob and Dina's quiet knowledge that they love each other has replaced the passion that fueled the more volatile early stages of their relationship. "I didn't know if I would be happy and in love in eight years. I'm happier than I've ever been. That is a surprise," says Bob.

Balancing Act

Kathleen and Ollie Johnson

Kathleen, 44, and Ollie, 62, met on a New York City paddleball court and have been married for 20 years. Despite the palpable affection and respect they share for each other and their three teenage children, the Johnsons are quick to admit that happiness didn't come without a fight. "The first 10 years were very hard," says Kathleen. "It was a real power struggle."

Kathleen, whose parents were divorced when she was young, was drawn to Ollie's strong family ties and his flamboyant style. (He was a graphic designer and is now the cocreator of a line of hair-care products.) But once they married, she felt herself casting a critical eye his way. "The things that first attracted me to him -- the fact that he is so laid-back and easygoing -- started to drive me crazy," she says. "I'd think, God, he's so slow! But If I'm attracted to another man, I realize it is because he exhibits the same qualities that Ollie has."

One such attribute is Ollie's work ethic. And yet money is a hot-button issue for the Johnsons. While Kathleen is a homemaker who homeschools their children, Ollie has embarked on several entrepreneurial ventures, which have led the family both to flush times and to the brink of ruin. "We trust each other more with money now," says Kathleen.

Ollie's initial frustration with the relationship was a consequence of their age difference: He was less tolerant than she, and resisted taking suggestions from someone who hadn't "been around" the way he had. But Kathleen's religious opposition to divorce and her desire to forge the stable family she never had formed a force field that holds the couple together. "Sometimes in a relationship, one person is more fervent about being loyal and faithful. In ours I'm that person. He's a kite; he's a dreamer," she says.

"I gave up at one point," admits Ollie. But Kathleen made it clear that no one was going anywhere. "It helped, because I realized that she wasn't going to give up. It forced me to take a look at the bigger picture, at the fact that we have lovely kids who are doing great. In the beginning, I was selfish. But love is unconditional. It is just give, give, give, and then you keep giving."

Doppelgaengers

Rick and Joel Stoeker

Rick and Joel were both weary of the dating scene when they met in 1996. "I've always wanted to be in a long-term relationship," says Rick, 39, owner of a graphic design firm. "And I've never been a big player," agrees Joel, 35, a buyer for an apparel Web site. The Stoekers (the moniker is a combination of their family names), together for nearly nine years, adopted Violet, who is now 2 years old.

Joel shook his head when he saw friends dropping their dates in hopes that something better was around the corner. "If you want to make a life with someone, you have to compromise," he says. "I was looking for core things like honesty and faithfulness," qualities he detected in Rick early on. "We're both realistic and willing to work on things. That's probably why we're together." Much of that labor now consists of hammering out parenting strategies, as Violet learns to manipulate her dads as well as delight them.

Instead of needing to reconcile incompatibilities, the Stoekers have to contend with a degree of hypersimilarity. "What we face is competitiveness," says Rick. "But it's over petty matters. And a potential problem in our relationship is that we kind of become each other. But we both thrive on togetherness and being in close contact with each other."

The Collaborators

Jeannie Noth and Jim Gaffigan

Jim, 38, is a comedian and actor, and Jeannie, 34, is an actor and comedian. Being funny may come naturally to them, but, as with a good marriage, comic success is ultimately the result of hard work. Husband and wife for more than a year, they're tackling their most ambitious project yet: 2-month-old Mari.