I am a 29-year-old single female who met a wonderful guy 10
months ago and started an amazingly romantic relationship. Since we
were getting along so well, I tried to take the next step and introduce
him to my family. That's when he freaked out. To me he seemed
financially and mentally ready for a serious relationship, but he said
he was not ready for commitment and broke up with me. I tried to tell
him that we are soul mates and belong to each other, but because of
negative influences from his friends and family, he didn't try to work
out his problem. I ran into his best friend, who told me that he still
thinks about me but is scared of marriage and might not be ready until
he is 40. Why does he think that way? How can I change his mind and
make him realize he is making a mistake he will regret?
Believe it or not, most guys still see themselves as the (actual or
potential) Provider. The orthodox version usually comes complete with
benchmarks of accomplishment before starting a family. Quaint, I know,
but it's hard to obliterate eons of evolution in a few hot dates.
Introducing a guy to one's family certainly conveys seriousness and could
definitely scare any guy just a few months into a relationship. While you
were getting on so well, why weren't you talking and sharing your views
on relationships? Did you ask him whether he was ready to meet your
family and get a sense of what that meant to him? It isn't only your
definition of readiness that counts, it's also his. And on average, it
takes couples six months of regular dating to recognize that they are
getting serious. Instead of beating him over the head with your vision of
soul mates, you should have been spending time listening and gently
exploring his attitudes about life and love. Lick your wounds, and next
time, don't be so swift to haul a guy home just because you're excited.
Let an awareness of mutual attachment develop organically.
Now that he's clean, he's sexless
I've been dating a guy on and off for seven years. When we
met, he was fresh out of a 17-year marriage he didn't want to leave. He
was depressed, addicted to pain meds and did some really hurtful
things. I stood beside him as he went in and out of treatment centers.
These stresses and my life as a single parent prompted an emotional
breakdown after he stopped calling. Eventually, he reappeared, clean.
We're seeing each other again-only now there's no sex, no hugging,
holding or kissing. He just has no interest in anything romantic. I do
love him, but sometimes I want to feel like a woman, not like his pet,
maid or Mom.
You're already answering your own doubts. Whatever his
reasons-physical, emotional, a mixture of the two-Seven Year Man is not
what you want or need. You can spend seven more years rediscovering how
self-defeating it is trying to whip him into shape, with no guarantee of
success, or you can honor your healthy need for a fulfilling
relationship. Keep him as a friend, but devote your time to exploring
other possibilities. Choose a partner wisely. Evaluate one as you would a
friend-look at his character, personality, values, generosity of spirit,
the relationship between his words and actions, his sensitivity to your
needs, his relationships with others. Freedom from substance abuse should
be high on the list; consciousness is an asset. At the very least,
substance abuse suggests underlying problems that need to be addressed.
Respect yourself, know your needs and speak up for them clearly.
Otherwise, you will face disappointment at not getting what you want and
anger at your partner for not having met your (unstated) needs.
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