Advice: Unconventional Wisdom

How much better it would be if we, like the Greeks, have different words for each kind of love so that such misunderstandings could be avoided. But since we don't, I think it is best if two people try to use other words than the L word when describing their feelings for each other. Words that more accurately describe what they are actually feeling.

I speak from experience. I have had three serious love-relationships in my life, and in all cases, my idea of love did not match that of my partner, and so we hurt each other in the end. A fourth relationship of over 20 years has never been as "serious," but it is more true. I knew from the beginning that he would not use the L word with me, and so I never used it with him. Instead we talk more specifically about our feelings and our needs. He is my best friend, and I am his best friend. We do have a sexual relationship too, but we are careful not to confuse those oceanic feelings by mixing in the L word during times of passion. Of course those feelings are a product of "love" but we avoid a lot of extra baggage that comes with the L word by avoiding its use. I know he loves me, in his way. And he knows I love him, in my way. But we try not to let our different ways of loving get in the way of our relationship.

Cat

Sex with Extras

I've been dating Mark almost two years. He is divorced and was in a subsequent long-term relationship with a woman he never married but still works with, in his business. Mark likes extreme outfits in bed: boots, leather, stockings and wigs, etc. He also likes bondage, to which I have said "no way." He is a very caring, thoughtful, generous man, so I get confused by the extremes. Our sex life is terrific for me without the extras, and appears so for him, too. When he persuades me to get "dressed" I get the feeling he is in bed with someone else and I stress out.

We are both mid-life and would rather not use my name or location. He is very well known and well liked. I am not sure any rules govern what is appropriate for two people to do in private-so long as they maintain dignity and respect for each other and both agree completely on how they choose to play and to demonstrate their affection for each other. We humans differ from other animals in having a variety of ways to play and to express love.

That said, your letter raises several issues critical to any intimate relationship. First and perhaps most important is character. Is Mark as caring and thoughtful in private with you as he is in public with his friends and business associates? Does he listen to your perspective, respect it and accommodate it, as you his?

Another critical matter is your anxiety. You have not identified exactly what confuses and troubles you, and you need to examine just what it is. Does Mark take on a completely different persona when he dons what you call "extreme outfits." Is he less generous and thoughtful? If so, these are indeed matters for concern. But if he displays the same kind of care in bed as out, no matter what costumes he wears, then your anxiety may be arising not from any threatening behavior of Mark's but from prior attitudes you may be holding about what is sexually proper and not. And what each of us regards as sexually proper tends to be nothing more than the product of our prior experience.

Under no circumstances should you be engaging in behavior that makes you deeply uncomfortable, and as long as he doesn't force you to, you could choose to engage in play as much as your curiosity allows. In intimacy and sex as in all other domains of experience, growth is healthy, and we do not evolve and grow unless we take a series of small steps beyond our comfort zone. Exactly what steps and how should be a matter of joint discussion and mutual agreement-always. These are the kinds of discussions where true intimacy is forged, where trust is built and love has an opportunity to flourish.