The Go-It-Aloner: "Thanks, I'll do it myself."
This year it's your turn to host Thanksgiving, and you're overwhelmed. Your husband's family is large, there are lots of them, and they all eat a ton. When your mother-in-law calls, you're hoping she's offering to cook something, but instead she cautions you about Uncle Ralph's dairy allergy and reminds you that the 5-year-old twins only eat macaroni and cheese. You think, "How about bringing over a 75-pound bird and 500 dinner rolls?" But somehow, the question gets stuck in your throat. Why can't you just ask her?
It's awkward because: "Anytime we ask for help or a favor we're acknowledging that we're not competent or that we can't cope by ourselves," says Jennifer Crocker, professor of psychology at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor.
How to cope: Shift your goals. Rather than trying to sustain an image of competency or perfection, focus on what you're trying to accomplish. Relinquish your need for mastery. "Getting what you want or need requires being vulnerable," says Crocker. But it's worth it: People who ask for help do better in life. In addition, people feel good when they pitch in for someone else. "Asking for help shows a person that you value them," says Ann Demarais, a psychologist in New York City and co-author of First Impressions: What You Don't Know About How Others See You.
The Punching Bag: "I'm sorry you feel that way."
Everyone knows the boss has a short temper, but by working hard, you've been able to stay on her good side. Until now. She's in a foul mood for some reason, and you happen to cross her path. Right there in the hallway, she launches into a verbal attack about how your sales numbers are low, how you're not carrying your weight and how you're a disappointment to the staff. Your co-workers slink away, leaving you standing there with your blood boiling and mouth ajar.
It's awkward because: "There's an unspoken code at work that you leave your problems at home and that you assume a prescribed role," says psychotherapist Jerilyn Ross, president of the Anxiety Disorders Association of America. So when a colleague shows a strong emotion such as hostility, the intensity of the change can be startling. "It's like a child seeing a parent lose control for the first time," says Ross.
How to cope: Try not to take it personally. "Rather than suddenly reacting to the person, step back and try to better understand the situation," says Ross. Ask yourself, "Why do I feel this is a personal attack?" This will allow you to avoid a knee-jerk reaction, which will only make matters worse.
The Bearer of the Brush-Off: "Please don't take this personally, but... "
It's a late night in the office, and you're working on a project with good-natured, guy-next-door Paul. Out of the blue, he asks you out to dinner on Saturday night. The invite is a complete surprise—he's definitely not your type. You let him down as gently as you can. But the next morning as you're getting out of your car, there he is in the parking lot. You wait until he goes into the building. This time you've escaped—but his desk is only a few cubicles away.
It's awkward because: Rejection creates inequality. "Whenever we rebuff someone's advances, we become part of an unbalanced relationship," says Pelusi. Rejection really does hurt: A 2003 study at the University of California at Los Angeles showed that a physical pain center in the brain lights up when people are rejected. No one wants to be responsible for someone else's suffering, Pelusi says.
How to cope: Tolerate your anxiety. "If you can accept the awkwardness, then you can turn the situation into a positive experience by showing respect," says Pelusi. Being dismissive or contemptuous of someone's romantic feelings produces discomfort on both sides. Being gracious can instead create a sounder working relationship—over time.
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