Many a wife is her husband’s sole confidante. Yet when she herself is troubled, she’s much more likely to cry on a friend’s shoulder, according to a survey by Harris Interactive on behalf of this magazine and PacifiCare Behavioral Health. Some 76 percent of men in a relationship turn to their partners for support while only 36 percent of women do so.
Do men have tin ears, or are women just not burdening them? Men who grew up running to Mom for comfort may continue the pattern with their wives, without bothering to reciprocate. Or their mode of helping makes things worse. Men are conditioned to be problem solvers, explains Julie Schwartz Gottman, clinical director of the Gottman Institute in Seattle. A woman who seeks empathy from her husband and instead gets a plan of action will turn to friends.
While women have assumed greater work roles, their emotional duties haven’t ebbed, says Gottman. Therapy can help. “In our couples’ workshops, we teach wives how to reduce their own stress by training their husbands to be more sensitive and ask more questions,” she says.
