When Your Partner Lives by Different Rules

Advice for a woman whose husband imposes unfair rules.

By Hara Estroff Marano, published on July 01, 2004 - last reviewed on July 05, 2005

We are a middle income, home-schooling family. We pinch pennies wherever we can. Every few months, my husband gets the itch to buy a toy such as a fixer-upper vehicle, which he usually resells for more than he paid. However, he believes that I would be blowing money if I spent $150 on needed clothes (I haven't bought any in two or three years) or on my hobbies of gardening, decorating and sewing. I do not work outside the home, but manage our mobile home park, which can be a full-time job. My husband believes that because I do not go out and earn money, I don't have the right to spend money on anything but the bare necessities for me and our children. What is your opinion?

I think Hubby has created one set of rules for himself and imposed another set on you, and that's unfair. Further, it breeds resentment on your part, and that's the fast track to personal unhappiness and marital misery. The rules that two people live by must be jointly established. You both have to give pretty equally, and you both have to feel that you're getting pretty equally. And you have to hammer out the rules in deliberate conversation, however difficult it may be.

In his unilateral rule making, Hubby has very selfishly decided that only what he does has value, and overlooked the value of everything you do. At a most basic level, activities like gardening and decorating add direct financial value and considerable pleasure (which has value) to a home. Managing the property is a highly productive activity and your maintenance makes the site attractive to renters, so it too brings in revenue. Home-schooling the kids is worth at least a teacher's salary.

You and Hubby urgently need a joint discussion on finances to set up rules that work for both of you. If he continues to devalue everything you do, then I suggest you very pleasantly stop maintenance work, you stop all hobbies, you even stop cooking meals. When Hubby notices what happens when your work isn't done, he may have new ideas about the value of the work you do. That's the time to resume setting up a relationship that works for both of you.