Restoring One's Reputation

Her ex-boyfriend is spreading rumors about her. What should she do?

By Hara Estroff Marano, published on July 26, 2004 - last reviewed on October 28, 2005

After my divorce I dated a guy from work. He was very secretive, mysterious even. He was also extremely manipulative and nasty when he didn't get his way. I think I stuck with him because I was overweight and suffering from low self-esteem. We almost bought a house together until he finally confessed that he was well over $100,000 in debt due to an insatiable shopping jones. He had actually wanted his name on my house! Anyway, I realized he was bipolar and I urged him to get help. He never did. I extricated myself from the situation and thought that would be the end of it. Now I am finding out that he was telling people at work that I'm insane. I feel lucky to have gotten away from him, but I really hate that he has destroyed my reputation. I can't get on the PA system and shout, "I'm not crazy!" What should I do?

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Be yourself. People generally are smart enough to deal with you on the basis of observed behavior and to form ongoing opinions based on that. If you feel that a coworker's attitude towards you has irrevocably changed for the worse, and this is a person you must interact with frequently, then take the person aside and say that you hope they haven't been unduly influenced by rumors that might have been circulating in the wake of an ill-advised private relationship. You need not specify whom or what. Under no circumstances should you say negative things about Mr. Manic, but you can say that you are embarrassed that you ever had more than a work relationship with the person. It's highly likely your coworkers recognize that there was something wrong with Mr. Manic. And if they don't, there's no point in doing to him what you think he did to you. Keep your head above the din and people will respect you for having grace under pressure. Remember that just because someone is a jerk to you does not require you to be a jerk in return.