Advice: He Confuses Women

One male virgin and women are befuddled.

By Hara Estroff Marano, published on May 01, 2004 - last reviewed on February 15, 2005

My parents, a Roman Catholic priest and a nun, kept their vows of celibacy and met after each had left the clergy. For a long time, I was interested in becoming a priest, but I want a family. I have always hoped my partner would wait as I have. But the values and prior experience of the women I’ve had relationships with have caused me stress. A wonderful girl I dated for six months recently wanted to have sex, but I lost interest when she described her prior relationships, which sounded disgusting and casual. I fear I am just the next guy on the list. Women are confused by me. This has made me doubt the legitimacy of my own beliefs and my worth as a heterosexual man. I am considering having sex for a greater understanding of what I am talking about.

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As the song says: Stop, in the name of love. Having sex may clear up someone else’s confusion—but it’s bound to exacerbate yours. First you need to distinguish your own views of celibacy from those of your parents’. Gratitude and loyalty to Mom and Dad don’t require you to re-enact their sexual history; you must examine which views of theirs make sense for your life and times (which are separate from theirs) and which views don’t. Your view may wind up coinciding with theirs, but you need to get there strictly on your own. Perhaps you really do find sexually open women appealing. And perhaps at some point you may wish to engage in sex. That’s not a betrayal of Mom and Dad. Sex should always be an expression of love and respect, not of something you have to prove. So you may be hanging out with the wrong girls. If you join organizations that reflect your core values, you’re likely to run into the right people. Consider also that it may not be people’s past histories that are tripping you up but your own lack of emotional literacy. You seem unable to “read” others enough to gauge their feelings and to trust your own judgment. That’s a matter of basic social skills, not sexual experience. It’s hard to read the feelings of others when you still haven’t figured out your own.