I have been in a 10-year relationship with my on/off fiance. I’m 56 and long divorced; he’s 59 and a widower. He drinks a lot, he’s depressed and there’s always a crisis with his adult sons. I left him a couple of years ago but couldn’t get him out of my heart. I know he loves me, but he won’t talk about marriage. I don’t think this is fair to me. I need security, and I’m not getting any younger. Why can’t I let him go?
Because it’s always more comfortable to slip into old shoes than to try on new ones. It’s not his failure to talk that’s unfair to you; it’s your willingness to put up with the little he offers. You can either keep running back to him and whine about him, or you can make an active demand that he get help for himself and the relationship. Your need for security feeds his sloth. Get over the idea that everything one needs to do must feel good and comfortable. Even fab shoes don’t always feel good at first. But they can take you to some interesting new places.