Loss and Love
My wife and I have been married for eight years and have three
great kids. I lost my mom five years ago and two younger brothers last
year. I used to be a fun loving person and could make my wife laugh no
matter the situation. I used to give off this energy that would make
people want to be around me. I just don't know how to be that man I once
was and this is tearing apart not only me but my marriage and my
relationships with the children. I don't want to lose my wife and kids
over something I could possibly control. Dilemma
You have experienced a great deal of loss in the past few years,
and it takes time, probably more than you imagine, to absorb the sadness,
make peace with the loss, and restructure your life to provide new
sources of closeness and emotional support. There is a kind of security
that is lost especially when a parent dies. Unless you have allowed
yourself ample opportunity to feel the sadness in your own way, you are
probably still privately mourning these losses.
What you describe sounds like some degree of clinical depression,
and mood disorders are most commonly set in motion by loss. You lost
three people who provided not only closeness and familiarity but most
likely emotional support. They’re not there for you now,
compounding the loss. The truth is, the death of loved ones tends to
awaken the memory of all kinds of experience of loss. It’s just the
way the mind works.
Further, he loss of younger siblings can be not only sad but
threatening. It raises fears about one’s own mortality. How
fortunate you are to have a good marriage. That should give you the
protective cocoon for confiding your innermost thoughts to your wife,
your sadnesses and fears. If you don’t create the opportunity to
mourn these losses fully now, you will be mourning them for the rest of
your life.
From Old Friends to New Lovers
I am 34 years old and currently in the middle of a divorce. A
week after I received my divorce papers I ran into my best friend's
brother, whom I have known for over 20 years. We were drinking and
talking, one thing led to another and he ended up staying over. Over the
past few years there were a few times something could of happened between
us, but did not. An attraction has always been there, and we have since
spent more time together. Did I make a mistake sleeping with him so
quickly, and can there be anything but a physical attraction? Should I
say anything to my best friend? I feel like I am being dishonest. Lost in
Kentucky
There’s no compelling reason to tell your best friend at this
point, unless, of course, she asks. But it would be good to have a chat
about the situation and your discomfort with Brother Boy, because he may
have already let her know. At the very least, two perspectives on the
issue are better than one, and a discussion will give you a good glimpse
of his character as well as possible insights on how to proceed. In
addition, you need to ask yourself exactly why are you feeling
discomfort? Do you want a more serious relationship with Brother Boy? You
have known him for a while; does he have genuine affection for you and
demonstrate it in other ways than taking off your clothes? Or do you feel
he is taking advantage of emotional neediness on your part? If the answer
is yes or even maybe, you can tell him that you like his company but
you’re concerned that the relationship got started on the right
foot and you’d like to take it slow for a while. His response will
give you all the answers you need.
Tags:
advice,
ample opportunity,
closeness,
death,
dilemma,
divorce,
emotional support,
Fears,
innermost thoughts,
laugh,
loving person,
old friends,
protective cocoon,
relationships,
rest of your life,
younger brothers,
younger siblings
