Hello, My Name is Unique

Some parents want names for their children that are unique but not too trendy. Other parents seem to love alternative spellings. How important is a name to our self-perception?

By Carlin Flora, published on March 01, 2004 - last reviewed on March 12, 2008

Children and teens either struggle to stand apart or try desperately to fit in. A singular name eases the former pursuit but thwarts the latter. If parents give a child an offbeat name, speculates Lewis Lipsitt, professor emeritus of psychology at Brown University, "they are probably outliers willing to buck convention, and that [parental trait] will have a greater effect on their child than does the name."

A name may occasionally trigger expectations that are difficult to meet because a child lacks the appropriate talent or temperament. "If your parents are great musicians, and they name you Yehudi, there could be a sense that you cannot live up to your name," Lipsitt says. Likewise, a naturally shy child may cringe when he is introduced as Attila.

No one can predict whether a name will be consistent with a child's or a teen's view of herself. The name could be ethnic, unique or white-bread, but if it doesn't reinforce her sense of self, she will probably be unhappy with it and may even feel alienated from parents or peers because of it. An Annika with iconoclastic taste will be happy with her name, but a Tallullah who longs for a seat at the cheerleader's table may feel that her name is too weird.

A child's attitude toward his name is a gauge of self-esteem, says psychologist Ron Taffel, author of Nurturing Good Children Now. "If self-esteem is low, even a David or Jenny could hate their name—as a reflection of how they feel about themselves."

By the time most people reach adulthood, they have made peace with their name or changed it. And, as parents of Dax and Skyy will be gratified to learn, young adults today report that they feel buoyed by an unorthodox appellation.

"It's interesting knowing that very few people have your name," says Cabot Norton. "It's a point of pride to say, 'I've never met another Cabot.'"

Says Maren Connary, "I had a rebellious nature that I felt was justified by my name. If I'd been named Mary, I think I'd be more conformist."

"I hated my name when I was a kid," Wven (pronounced you-vin) Villegas, says. "I stood out for all the wrong reasons. But I decided that if my name wasn't the same as everyone else's, then I wouldn't be the same, either. Now I love my name so much that I had it tattooed on my right arm."

Parents may be further empowered to christen their children idiosyncratically given that names aren't the rich source for taunts they once were. "Kids today are used to a variety of names, so it is almost too simple for them to make fun of each other for that," says Taffel. "Cruelty is more sophisticated now."

The experiences of children of mixed ethnic and racial backgrounds shed light on the power of names to determine identity. If such children are insecure or confused about their origins, the role of their name becomes more important. Donna Jackson Nakazawa, author of Does Anybody Else Look Like Me?, advises parents of biracial or multi-ethnic children to choose a name that represents both branches of the family tree, or at least a nickname that does so. Nakazawa's nine-year-old son is Christian Jackson Nakazawa; his nickname is Chris-chan, which means "dear beloved child" in Japanese.

Nakazawa cites the cautionary tale of a young woman who was adopted from China by a white American couple who gave her a Chinese-sounding name. As a teenager, the girl began researching her heritage and discovered her name was not, in fact, Chinese. She was devastated.

Cleveland Evans believes the personal story behind a name can serve as an anchor. In most cases, Evans says, people are only at a disadvantage if there is no story attached to their name. "It doesn't matter what the story is, as long as it is more complex than, 'We just liked the name.'" A name connected to previous generations can feel like your ancestors' arms wrapped warmly around you.

Not everyone agrees that the rationale behind a name is crucial. Misia Landau, a narratologist and science writer at Harvard Medical School, argues that the "story" of a name doesn't necessarily drive personal narratives, because of the myriad factors at play. "Providing a child with a name is incredibly variable," says Landau. "And I don't think people today say, 'Your namesake would never have acted that way.'"

But you don't look like a Martha!

There are names you probably don't think about at all—the equivalent of a black suit. And there are busy purple scarves of names, names that cannot be ignored, that must be reckoned with. "People are always going to ask me why I am named Cabot," Norton says. "And they are probably going to assume I am an East Coast WASP, whereas I'm actually a North Florida atheist."

Names produce piquant impressions: Olaf sounds oafish to non-Scandinavians. Shirley is perky. A ballerina named Bertha doesn't sound as compelling as one named Anastasia. But are certain names better suited to some people than to others, and can a name change overhaul one's self-image?

Michael Mercer, an industrial psychologist and co-author of Spontaneous Optimism, recalls a former co-worker who had interpersonal and legal problems: "She changed her name to Honore, and it was her way of mutating from someone who goofed things up to someone who is honorable."